OT: One Line Jokes
- Thread starter zappaa
- Start date
Good one I heard today:
"Flood said he will not give Rettig a series in the first half because it impacts Laviano's learning"
"Flood said he will not give Rettig a series in the first half because it impacts Laviano's learning"
AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN , SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, BARACK OBAMA SAID, "I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND I AM THE SMARTEST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, SOME EVEN CALL ME THE ANOINTED ONE." SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. AMERICA'S SMARTEST PRESIDENT TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN , SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, BARACK OBAMA SAID, "I AM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND I AM THE SMARTEST EVER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY, SOME EVEN CALL ME THE ANOINTED ONE." SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. AMERICA'S SMARTEST PRESIDENT TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?''No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Couple in their after 65 years are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
"Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
An 85 year old man goes to church to confession and says, "Father I lost my beloved wife of 60 years recently but I've already met an attractive spright 35 year young lady. Father we've been having extramarital sexual relations and when I say sexual relations I mean it. We've been doing it on the kitchen table, in public, in all different positions and this is going on day and night". The compassionate priest then assigns the old man his penance at which time the old man says, "Father I don't even know what you're talking about I'm Jewish". The Priest, confused says, "well sir why are you in here telling me this." The old man says," Father I'm telling everyone"....
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, ****!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
"Aww, ****!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"