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OT: One Line Jokes

DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
 
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K

kapollock

Redshirt
Jun 3, 2013
26
16
0
Did you hear that the police recently caught a man who was trying to illegally sell 5000 pills of Viagra?

He tried to swallow the evidence - now he's serving 20 years hard time!
 
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DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in such a manner that they are looking forward to it.
 
Upstream

Upstream

Heisman
Jul 31, 2001
35,284
10,251
113
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender exclaims, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Stanley?"
 
Upstream

Upstream

Heisman
Jul 31, 2001
35,284
10,251
113
A man sits down at a bar, orders a drink and mutters, "All lawyers are ********."

"I object to that comment," says the man next to him.

"Why? Are you a lawyer?" responds the first man.

"No," answers the second man. "I'm an *******."
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.
 
Upstream

Upstream

Heisman
Jul 31, 2001
35,284
10,251
113
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot are sitting in a bar. They order a round of beers. The Scot comments, "In my hometown pub in Aberdeen, when you order 3 pints, they give you a fourth for free."

The Englishman, not to be outdone, replies, "That's nothing. At my favorite pub in Sheffield, they give you a free pint for every pint you order."

"That's nothing," responds the Irishman. "Back home in Galway there's a pub that gives special customers free pint after free pint. And then you can go upstairs and have sex."

"Really?" exclaim the two others. "Has that ever happened to you?"

"No," says the Irishman. "But it happens to me sister all the time."
 
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R

RUTBAY

Senior
Dec 14, 2006
2,616
472
0
An American, Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar together each drinking a beer. Simultaneously a fly lands in each of their glass.

American's response: "Waiter can I please get another beer?"
Englishman's response: picks the fly out and continues to drink the beer
Irishman's response: grabs the fly by the wings, and in a typical Irish brogue says to it "Alright... spit it out!"
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
The sun is going to go out in 4 billion years, and you sit there and act like everything is fine.
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?'
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
All my dance moves look like I'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second.....
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
I'm trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
 
L

LC-88

All-Conference
Apr 24, 2010
7,160
2,795
0
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes

and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old man!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump..........
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.....
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
 
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Upstream

Upstream

Heisman
Jul 31, 2001
35,284
10,251
113
What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
 
DJ Spanky

DJ Spanky

Heisman
Jul 25, 2001
48,611
59,630
113
I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.
 
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