Question for GYERO, M.D.:
I had an upper respiratory infection early last week....
...
Any suggestions other than jamming an ice pick into my brain and killing myself?
You're on the right track in terms of what to try. The real sudafed is the best thing to try, so get some of that tomorrow and take it as directed for a couple of days. And then while you're taking it, try the yawn/wide-open-mouth techniques to get your eustachian tubes to open. That's the most likely issue - that the eustachian tubes are inflamed from the respiratory infection, and therefore the ears can't equalize the pressure on the two sides of the eardrum. If a doctor (primary care or ENT) were to take a look at your eardrums, they would be abnormally convex or concave (depending on whether the pressure differential is positive or negative).
It should go away on its own in a few days, but real sudafed might speed up the process. It primarily decongests the nasal passages, but it sometimes helps decongest the eustachian tubes as well.
Chewing gum might help, definitely worth a try.
If it stays this way for a few days you could develop ear infections in one or both ears, in which case you might need antibiotics. But for now, I'd say to try to avoid them.
In the future, when you have a cold or resp infection, take sudafed *before* you get on a plane, and do lots of jaw stretching during the flight.