Family Estrangement

[steinek11]

...i'd pay to see the reactions of todays kids who divorced their folks, when it comes time to read the will after their folks pass, and they find out they ain't in it.

That would 1000% happen. Standing on principle.

 

[Man Woman & Child]

What do all the poor, innocent victims in this thread all have in common, I wonder? A bunch of blameless unfortunates, destined to be forever castigated for absolutely nothing. Don’t bother doing any soul searching! No! Just do exactly what you’ve been doing the last 10 years and surely your family will come around any day now!!!

You are ******* clueless, per usual.

Just to clarify, which group of people are you referring to as the "poor, innocent victims" @Neb79? Are those the kids choosing the no contact or estrangement? Or the parents/grandparents having it done to them?

Because, if it's the latter, then @steinek11 is spot on. But if it's the other way around, then you are correct. Just wanted to give you a chance to explain further before I judge.

 

[steinek11]

To OP.

A quick real question: How would you describe your opinions on the federal and state politics? How would you describe the political opinions/feelings of your Son? and how would you describe the political leanings of your DIL?

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

 

[Man Woman & Child]

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

Yeah, I've learned that, unfortunately the politics thing is one of the key contributors in many of these cases. And although the situation that I'm closest to regarding this isn't proven to be politically driven (the kid hasn't told the parents why she won't speak to them), we have all suspected that might be what it is.

Can't imagine at 24 years old, anyone would have such strong political beliefs that they'd disown their family over who they did or didn't vote for. Especially when said family isn't even very political at all. Hardly ever talk about it and never push their views on anyone that I know of. But, we've learned that is a big contributor in many cases.

Also, as an aside, funny you should mention California in your example. The kid in the situation I'm involved with happens to have lived in California for the last 6 years. And all of this has happened since then. Definitely seems more prevalent there.

 

[skin-tight]

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

I have no idea what the political dynamics or any of the other dynamics are with the O.P. and no one else here knows anything about the relationship dynamics were prior to the family disagreement that took place 3 years ago because the OP has chosen not to reveal them to us although the O.P has essentially asked for our help.

For all we know, the O.P was a pentagram burning satanist and the Son doesn't want his kids around incense, goats blood and wife swapping. or perhaps the DIL is a far right conservative and the OP harps on how Trump is a NAZI when ever the Son or DIL brings the grandkids over.

we really dont have any actionable information to assist the OP.

So, this is the opportunity for the OP to share with us more depth to his story.

 

[OctavianDillard]

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

There are studies on this

 

[Man Woman & Child]

I have no idea what the political dynamics or any of the other dynamics are with the O.P. and no one else here knows anything about the relationship dynamics were prior to the family disagreement that took place 3 years ago because the OP has chosen not to reveal them to us although the O.P has essentially asked for our help.

For all we know, the O.P was a pentagram burning satanist and the Son doesn't want his kids around incense, goats blood and wife swapping. or perhaps the DIL is a far right conservative and the OP harps on how Trump is a NAZI when ever the Son or DIL brings the grandkids over.

we really dont have any actionable information to assist the OP.

So, this is the opportunity for the OP to share with us more depth to his story.

Or, it's very possible OP doesn't know. I'm sure he has suspicions, but I've learned that it's very prevalent in a lot of these cases for there never to have been a reason given. They often just go silent with no explanation. In fact, according to a lot of experts, it is proving to be the core of a lot of the reasons in the first place. The fact that the person lacks the ability to discuss things rationally, so the easy route is simply to eliminate contact with the person or persons they disagree with.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

Maybe...but remember you are just hearing one side of the story.

Married people tend to NOT like hearing about the freedom that single people have.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Yeah, I've learned that, unfortunately the politics thing is one of the key contributors in many of these cases. And although the situation that I'm closest to regarding this isn't proven to be politically driven (the kid hasn't told the parents why she won't speak to them), we have all suspected that might be what it is.

Can't imagine at 24 years old, anyone would have such strong political beliefs that they'd disown their family over who they did or didn't vote for. Especially when said family isn't even very political at all. Hardly ever talk about it and never push their views on anyone that I know of. But, we've learned that is a big contributor in many cases.

Also, as an aside, funny you should mention California in your example. The kid in the situation I'm involved with happens to have lived in California for the last 6 years. And all of this has happened since then. Definitely seems more prevalent there.

A lot of times I think people feel that pressure from their friends/who they are dating.

"What, your parents voted for so-so?!?! How can you still talk to them!!!" Type thing...

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Or, it's very possible OP doesn't know. I'm sure he has suspicions, but I've learned that it's very prevalent in a lot of these cases for there never to have been a reason given. They often just go silent with no explanation. In fact, according to a lot of experts, it is proving to be the core of a lot of the reasons in the first place. The fact that the person lacks the ability to discuss things rationally, so the easy route is simply to eliminate contact with the person or persons they disagree with.

With the exception of really extreme case...I think you are spot on.

It tends to just be "little things" that the now grown up kid is angry about and sometimes it is those "little things" that the parent is angry about.

It could be about getting the kid baptized or not...it could be about when they can visit or not visit. It can be the kids being pissed that grandma and grandpa are not more willing to become free daycare servants.

 

[OctavianDillard]

I have no idea what the political dynamics or any of the other dynamics are with the O.P. and no one else here knows anything about the relationship dynamics were prior to the family disagreement that took place 3 years ago because the OP has chosen not to reveal them to us although the O.P has essentially asked for our help.

For all we know, the O.P was a pentagram burning satanist and the Son doesn't want his kids around incense, goats blood and wife swapping. or perhaps the DIL is a far right conservative and the OP harps on how Trump is a NAZI when ever the Son or DIL brings the grandkids over.

we really dont have any actionable information to assist the OP.

So, this is the opportunity for the OP to share with us more depth to his story.

I disagree. I don’t think it matters whose right and whose wrong, or which way they vote, or even if one of them drives a Subaru and has no problem backing into a stall while making others wait for their pansy ***. One side has shut the other one out. All they needs to be done is to understand why, and, if the shutee is willing to make changes, then that will likely lead to more contact. If they aren’t willing to change, for whatever reason, then there will be no contact, at least not for the foreseeable future, and maybe that’s ok. If differences can’t be resolved, at the very least, let them know for time to time that you’re thinking about them and hope they at doing well. Maybe, someday, that makes a difference

 

[skin-tight]

I disagree. I don’t think it matters whose right and whose wrong, or which way they vote, or even if one of them drives a Subaru and has no problem backing into a stall while making others wait for their pansy ***. One side has shut the other one out. All they needs to be done is to understand why, and, if the shutee is willing to make changes, then that will likely lead to more contact. If they aren’t willing to change, for whatever reason, then there will be no contact, at least not for the foreseeable future, and maybe that’s ok. If differences can’t be resolved, at the very least, let them know for time to time that you’re thinking about them and hope they at doing well. Maybe, someday, that makes a difference

I never said someone was "right or someone is wrong". What the folks that are willing to try to assist need is more information on the social, religious, political, child rearing, criminal justice and other hot button items that generally come up in conversation in their sphere of influence. We get it that the OP wasnt given a verbal or written "reason" for being cut off. but what we dont know as Paul Harvey said is "The rest of the story".

There perhaps isnt a wrong or right side. but being able to perhaps isolate areas of conflict is a first step for negotiating a path forward for both sides to better understand each other. and to do that then the OP has to look closely in the mirror and think about how a different generation is perceiving their words and actions .

 

[steinek11]

Maybe...but remember you are just hearing one side of the story.

Married people tend to NOT like hearing about the freedom that single people have.

I think the opposite is actually true. All the people I meet over the age of 50 who are single desperately want to be with someone. They are miserable. Their lives are shallow and empty. I genuinely feel bad for them.

I’m gonna give you the benefit of doubt though because you do seem pretty happy with your situation. And outlier, if you will.

 

[OctavianDillard]

I never said someone was "right or someone is wrong". What the folks that are willing to try to assist need is more information on the social, religious, political, child rearing, criminal justice and other hot button items that generally come up in conversation in their sphere of influence. We get it that the OP wasnt given a verbal or written "reason" for being cut off. but what we dont know as Paul Harvey said is "The rest of the story".

There perhaps isnt a wrong or right side. but being able to perhaps isolate areas of conflict is a first step for negotiating a path forward for both sides to better understand each other. and to do that then the OP has to look closely in the mirror and think about how a different generation is perceiving their words and actions .

The point was that we really don’t need “actionable information” to help, we don’t need the rest of the story. A number of suggestions have been made, some of them solid, without knowing specifics.

 

[Big bo fan]

I think the opposite is actually true. All the people I meet over the age of 50 who are single desperately want to be with someone. They are miserable. Their lives are shallow and empty. I genuinely feel bad for them.

I’m gonna give you the benefit of doubt though because you do seem pretty happy with your situation. And outlier, if you will.

This is a situation that both of things can be true . I think some not all single people want to find someone. Also some but not all married people are extremely jealous at times of the freedom their single friends have

 

[RBigredMax1]

I haven’t seen OP reply to any questions or offer any more insight. Maybe he didn’t like the comments and is taking a sledgehammer to his phone and computer?? Maybe the daughter in law has a point?

 

[Cjlemke21]

Good grief. Not knowing raised my suspicion immediately.

It’s ok if not knowing raised your suspicions, that was a quick thought of my own as well, however saying it’s a huge red flag was a stretch there, there are cases where you really don’t understand what happened. Things caught you off guard.

besides no matter what happened in the past, this man and his wife are reaching out trying to gain understanding, and I’m assuming they’re willing to own any perceived faults if it can just get them to start restoring that relationship.

You can never go through life assuming that only one person is at fault, that is a sign of narcissism, refusal to take accountability of their own actions.

as far as the OP I hate to hear that you’re going through all that, unfortunately I probably have no better advice than what’s already being put out there… if it was me I’d try to talk with my son one on one without his spouse around and see what’s going on or if it is just his spouse that’s pushing this, be receptive of what they have to say if you can talk to both of them with out kids around. Be sincere with your attempts to restore the relationship, and just pray, ask the good lord for help and guidance.

 

[RBigredMax1]

One thing I have found over years of managing people is there are behaviors people possess that they don’t view as an issue and have never been told they were an issue.

when someone finally brings it up and gives them examples of this behavior, it can be an awakening moment. Not saying OP is an angry individual. But let’s say someone was very angry, maybe a little intimidating … that person probably has not had many people tell them that feedback for fear of repercussion.

OP likely doesn’t know but with actual feedback and specifics it may have an opportunity for an awakening as well.

 

[HuskerO58]

Yep I agree with the last sentence.you tube . All the social media etc..have made it to easy for kids not to go out.

Yes, but it's the parents who allow them to stay on YouTube / social media all day and their fault, not so much the kids.

My kids have access (maybe not as easily since they dont have their own smart phones) to all of that, yet my best friend (wife) and I dont allow it beyond a short alloted time frame.

Kids also have an amazing imagination and I feel that parents are so quick to stifle that at young ages due to various reasons. Of course a kid is going to get bored in a backyard in July. It's also 100 degrees out.

Yes, they do!

And of course kids are going to say "I'm bored", but rather than hand them a tablet, you say "k, well figure out how to not be bored" and actually let then figure it out, most times they will. Otherwise they'll stay bored, which is fine too.

 

[HuskerO58]

Maybe...but remember you are just hearing one side of the story.

Married people tend to NOT like hearing about the freedom that single people have.

Single men are missing out coming home to a home cooked meal from their soul mate (aka bestie, aka wife).

 

[RBigredMax1]

Single men are missing out coming home to a home cooked meal from their soul mate (aka bestie, aka wife).

Wait … am I supposed to be getting a home cooked meal????

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Single men are missing out coming home to a home cooked meal from their soul mate (aka bestie, aka wife).

That is true! That is one thing that is a big plus, I will give you that.

Now, asking a grown man if he wants to play golf on Saturday and pound some beers...only to have him say "Yeah, maybe, let me check with my "best friend" to see if I can go", well, that all of a sudden makes me realize how much I enjoy a frozen Jack's pizza for dinner.

 

[Huskers12345]

Single men are missing out coming home to a home cooked meal from their soul mate (aka bestie, aka wife).

I'll one up ya. How about coming home to wifey cooking a meal and slapping her a*s, then yelling at the kids to get outside and do something, after making them feed the dogs. That is what I call a night.

 

[mgbreeze]

My god OP, thanks for stopping by and dropping this conversation starter and then dipping. You've really brought some feelings out on this board. We're you planning on participating in this gripping topic or did you have second thoughts? FWIW, I don't believe OP doesn't know where this situation started.

 

[Huskers12345]

That is true! That is one thing that is a big plus, I will give you that.

Now, asking a grown man if he wants to play golf on Saturday and pound some beers...only to have him say "Yeah, maybe, let me check with my "best friend" to see if I can go", well, that all of a sudden makes me realize how much I enjoy a frozen Jack's pizza for dinner.

He's not asking for permission to go, he's asking if he can go so that he's on her good side and can come home afterwards and pound her.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I'll one up ya. How about coming home to wifey cooking a meal and slapping her a*s, then yelling at the kids to get outside and do something, after making them feed the dogs. That is what I call a night.

YES!!!

Then looking at the clock and trying to calculate how many more hours until you can go to bed to get the day over with...without looking like you hate being at home.

I always loved hitting up happy hour...the married ladies I worked with all did the same thing.

1. Ordered one drink and went home

Or

2. Invited their husband to meet them at the bar...and they would show up and looked so ******* miserable because clearly they wanted to have a few hours alone with their friends, not work friends of their wife.

And the married dudes that would come out...pretty much everyone of them did the "gun to the temple" bit as they were leaving the bar because they knew it was the end of their fun for the day. Followed by the old

"I will let you know about golf on Sunday" which of course, meant they could not play.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

He's not asking for permission to go, he's asking if he can go so that he's on her good side and can come home afterwards and pound her.

So if she says No, that he can't go...does that mean he can still go???

Or does that mean there will be no "19th hole" wink.

 

[Huskers12345]

So if she says No, that he can't go...does that mean he can still go???

Or does that mean there will be no "19th hole" wink.

He can always go. It's how long does he want to go without getting laid that is the question. You get in on a really good course you don't normally get in on, it's probably worth a few extra nights without it. It's a constant battle. With how bad do I want to make it up, weighed in as a factor.

It's all good though. Works the other way too. She might say the mother in law wants to stay for a few nights. I glare at her and groan, she says I'll make it worth it to have a good attitude. Everyone wins.

 

[HuskerInCarolina]

Wait … am I supposed to be getting a home cooked meal????

You guys are getting home cooked meals?!?!?


I do all the cooking. But good thing I love cooking.

 

[HuskerInCarolina]

My god OP, thanks for stopping by and dropping this conversation starter and then dipping. You've really brought some feelings out on this board. We're you planning on participating in this gripping topic or did you have second thoughts? FWIW, I don't believe OP doesn't know where this situation started.

Haha i love how this thread has evolved. I felt like I dropped such good advice and then ghosted.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

He can always go. It's how long does he want to go without getting laid that is the question. You get in on a really good course you don't normally get in on, it's probably worth a few extra nights without it. It's a constant battle. With how bad do I want to make it up, weighed in as a factor.

It's all good though. Works the other way too. She might say the mother in law wants to stay for a few nights. I glare at her and groan, she says I'll make it worth it to have a good attitude. Everyone wins.

It is like being on a See-Saw or, depending on where you grew up, a Teeter-Toter.

It is all a delicate balancing act.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Two years ago one of my married friends was like "Hey, you want to meet out for the USC game and pound some beers"

I was totally down and excited. He is one of my good friends from the old Frat days.

So we meet out and start drinking at one bar. At halftime we hit up a new place and then a third place. It was a bit out of character for him but then he hit me with it.

"You want to get another pitcher, my wife is at a girls party all night so I can stay out as late as I want"

It was awesome...

 

[HuskerInCarolina]

Two years ago one of my married friends was like "Hey, you want to meet out for the USC game and pound some beers"

I was totally down and excited. He is one of my good friends from the old Frat days.

So we meet out and start drinking at one bar. At halftime we hit up a new place and then a third place. It was a bit out of character for him but then he hit me with it.

"You want to get another pitcher, my wife is at a girls party all night so I can stay out as late as I want"

It was awesome...

Well shiit I was in town for the USC game and then celebrating the Dodgers amazing World Series victory that night. Sick invite!

 

[Wasker73]

I don't belong to any online Discussion Groups, so you guys/gals are it and I need some help.

I hate the word 'Estrangement,' but I don't know how to explain my current situation.

For three years now, my Son, Daughter-in-Law and three Grandkids have had nothing to do with my wife or me.

This is particularly baffling because (at least, we thought) we had a really good relationship with all of them. We have been generous with our finances and our time. We attended every school, sports and extra-curricular activity possible, even watching classes and practices between games. We've always thought of ourselves as being supportive parents and grandparents.

Calls, emails and texts are not answered.

We have sent Christmas and Birthday cards/presents/gift cards with no acknowledgement or response. The kids are all old enough to respond on their own.

We've been told we are 'Angry,' but have no idea what we're supposedly angry about. I am angry about the situation we find ourselves in; I had nothing to be angry about before being shut out of their lives.

We have suggested counseling. They have no interest.

We have been working on our own with a counselor and have tried several recommendations with no success.

Have any of you been through anything similar and/or do you have any advice?

Thanks in advance...

I have no kids, but through family and friends I have found it to be fairly common. I have a couple of nephews who I would like to hit on the side of the head for the way they treat their parents. I have a very old friend who is a very successful tax lawyer. His clients are very wealthy, and he tells me it has become pretty common for them to come to him after becoming worn-out and exasperated by the way their children are treating them. These parents are requesting my friend to revise their will to exclude these children who have cut off contact with them.

 

[Anon1752071136]

While I empathize with OP, I find it hard to believe he doesn't have any idea why this might have happened. If OP would care to share his suspicions, no matter how "far-fetched" or ridiculous they might seem to him, then we can start talking specifics.

I cut my mother out of my life 26 years ago, and my sister did the same 15 years ago, each of us for similar reasons. We are both much better off for having done this, as our mother is positively toxic with her intense religion, fervent politics, and explosive anger.

I'm guessing my mother tells her friends -- and perhaps even strangers on internet message boards -- that she has no idea why me and my sister would cut her off.

 

[litespeedhuskerfan]

I have no kids, but through family and friends I have found it to be fairly common. I have a couple of nephews who I would like to hit on the side of the head for the way they treat their parents. I have a very old friend who is a very successful tax lawyer. His clients are very wealthy, and he tells me it has become pretty common for them to come to him after becoming worn-out and exasperated by the way their children are treating them. These parents are requesting my friend to revise their will to exclude these children who have cut off contact with them.

....we modded our will. We also know others who've done the same.

 

[Wasker73]

Christmas is so painful for me. I hate receiving gifts. Unless it's cash, an experience gift or something from my kids, I'm perfectly okay not receiving anything.

The last thing I need is more stuff.

Amen. I am pretty particular on what I need and like, so I buy it myself. The last thing I need is for more stuff that just ends up on a shelf in the garage and then eventually given or thrown away.

 

[4.6.3]

Wait … am I supposed to be getting a home cooked meal????

Best part of the day is family dinner at home!

 

[SuperBigFan69]

While I empathize with OP, I find it hard to believe he doesn't have any idea why this might have happened. If OP would care to share his suspicions, no matter how "far-fetched" or ridiculous they might seem to him, then we can start talking specifics.

I cut my mother out of my life 26 years ago, and my sister did the same 15 years ago, each of us for similar reasons. We are both much better off for having done this, as our mother is positively toxic with her intense religion, fervent politics, and explosive anger.

I'm guessing my mother tells her friends -- and perhaps even strangers on internet message boards -- that she has no idea why me and my sister would cut her off.

They always know...they just don't like the answer.

That doesn't mean that the parent is right and the kid is wrong or vice versa but everyone always knows.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Amen. I am pretty particular on what I need and like, so I buy it myself. The last thing I need is for more stuff that just ends up on a shelf in the garage and then eventually given or thrown away.

Xmas gifts kind of stop being fun after about the age of 13 or so.

I love Fathers Day...where Dad clearly just wants to go golfing with friends and pound beers but Mom sets up a fun filled day of Dad doing **** for the family! Hahaha