OT: Adoption
- Thread starter dorndawg
- Start date
My best advice, adopt Asian. I have friends who have adopted American, Asian, Russian and Indian, even though raised in the same environment, the Asian girl is 10x smarter and driven.
Had no idea how expensive it is and how long of a process it could be. We looked into adoption after having infertility issues for about 4 years. We tried multiple IUI, 1 IVF, etc. We were going to try one more IVF before going down the adoption path and we miraculously became pregnant.
I don't wish infertility on any couple. It's a stressful thing especially for the woman.
I don't wish infertility on any couple. It's a stressful thing especially for the woman.
Determine what level of interaction you want to have with the birth parents, if any. I have family that have adopted and each situation is unique, so don't be surprised by either end of the spectrum (parent wants some involvement post-adoption all the way to never know anything about the birth parents). If you have your boundaries/preference set ahead of time, that can be a qualifying question and help you navigate. If it doesn't matter to you at all, then disregard...
Also, get your wife to talk to her obstetrician. They will sometimes know of expectant mothers that are not in the adoption system but want to arrange a private adoption. This can save time and money. It also can result in you scrambling to get a nursery together inside of a week!
You want to take a 3 year old for a test drive for a few weeks? I could use a break. Full disclosure, he thinks he's Captain America right now and seems to target every shot at your nuts.***
We have some friends that ended up adopting a couple of kids out of the foster system ages 5 and 8 at the time of adoption I believe. Now both are early teens and great kids. They looked at all the options and it worked best for them. Probably our favorite family with kids to spend time around.
We have some friends that ended up adopting a couple of kids out of the foster system ages 5 and 8 at the time of adoption I believe. Now both are early teens and great kids. They looked at all the options and it worked best for them. Probably our favorite family with kids to spend time around.
If fostering first, be prepared to deal with the headaches and frustrations of dealing with upside down and backwards state systems.
Through the years I've handled right at 100 adoptions. 75% were international. It has been a mixed bag as far as outcomes. Probably 10-20% of those foreign kids are lost souls. Addictions, mental issues, three suicides. Interestingly, all three suicides were Scythians (Russian, Ukrainian, Turkmenistan) and occurred when the kids were late teens. Most had severe health issues. My domestic adoptions have turned out much better over the long haul. I attribute the outcome to the fact that the adopting parents secured physical possession within weeks of birth and the child bonded with the adoptive parents. Virtually all of the foreign adoptions involved kids that were toddlers that received almost no nurture having come from warehouse orphanages that let them lay there. I don't handle private work now, so I'm out of the game. Practically speaking, put aside $25,000 for a domestic adoption and $40,000 for international.
Lot of good advice on here. My wife's and my experience was a lot like dawgstudent's--infertility issues, lot of tests, lot of heartache. Heard about a little boy going to be born to a mother who wanted him to be adopted. My wife always wanted to adopt but I was not so sure. I pursued the adoption mostly for her. I learned you will love him/her just like a biological child. I know this because on his first birthday we announced to family that he had a brother on the way (and a couple years later another brother was born). Also, the adoption process itself can be an emotional rollercoaster so it really helps if you are a person of faith and pray a lot but know that ultimately it's in God's hands. Lastly, these days I don't think many people try to hide a child's adoption from him/her but from the time my son was very young we talked to him about the fact that he's adopted and it has seemingly never been an issue with him.
My wife and I went through much of what Dawgstudent mentioned. Our only option to raise children was adoption. We now have four children all through adoption. Adoptions can be private or open but it is harder to be private with the internet. There are certain things you must go through to qualify like getting a home study done before you can adopt. We applied with two different agencies at the same time. Both told us it would likely be a couple of years before we were selected to adopt a new born. (It is easier and less expensive to adopt older children.) When it was all said and done we were selected to adopt twins after about 6 WEEKS sending in our portfolio from one of our agencies. With our second adoption it took several years from the other agency. Our last adoption was us adopting the birthmother of our son when she was about 19. You just dont know when you start the process but it can be super rewarding.
This is the best advice, and you will be helping some children who need a lot of help.
I've had two sets of friends that found this out, one adopted in Romania (girl age 7), the other in Russia (boy age 2). Both kids had developmental issues, the Russian boy had lived only in a crib in a crowded nursery and was never able to move around on the floor and still couldn't walk. All he wanted to do was be held and loved on which he never had gotten. He was the sweetest most loveable kid I've ever been around, just wanted some love. I've lost contact with the family over the years but they had a huge uphill battle w/ getting him acclimated to a "regular society". The girl (now 20) had no prior teaching or kindergarten and spent her entire elementary, middle and HS basically in special needs classes and being tutored . Its been 13 years and she still has societal issues as far as getting along w/ friends, parents, etc. She's not able to keep up in college. I'm not sure how that one will develop long term. Both sets of parents had to pay way above the advertised price of the adoption in bribes from government officials. They were told at every turn that they had to pay a certain amount or paperwork would be "lost", denied, etc unless they were paid. Not saying this to discourage you at all, there are so many kids out there that need dedicated parents to take them on but realize its not all fun and games like most of the neighborhood parents and kids have
I don't. And I don't want to give false hope. I did have a friend who was looking at adoption and her obstetrician knew of a young lady looking for adoptive parents. She ended up with a baby in very short time. I don't think that the timing of that is "normal", I just wanted to offer up another potential path.
Wife and I just finished up adopting our 1st child and plan on starting again in the next 6 months. PM me with any questions you have.
Just a little of our experience on the front end of the adoption. As other above, we had infertility issues. Decided after about a year, that the Lord's plan for us was to adopt. We bailed in head first. Began reading up on all manner of adoptions and talking with anyone we knew personally who could share their experience. Decided to stay in the US, but that was our only geographic limitation. It was a little shocking at the price, but there are some ways to save. AS mentioned above, private adoption can be cheaper, but it is much more rare. After finding out the many routes we had, we decided to use an adoption consultant. Our consultant has contact with agencies, attorneys, and social workers all over the country. They also help your family make contact and schedule a home study, can match you with an agency within your family's budget, can help you with the expected financial costs through fundraising, financing options, grants, etc. They also can help you select an attorney. They receive expectant mother profiles daily and and pass them along to all clients who fit all the wishes of the expectant mother. We went this route because we felt it opened up our options and would hopefully allow us to match faster. With the single agencies we talked to, the average wait was well over a year. The agencies, attorneys, and social workers they deal prefer to woke with the consultant because they know the consultant has the adopting family prepared legally and financially when the time comes.
It took us ~2 months to be chosen by an expectant mother. That ended up in a failed placement after we supported her for 4 months until the birth. It was tough, but we were well aware of the risk. That adoption was facilitated by one of the best men/attorney that i have ever met in my life. He kept our contact info after the failed placement. 3 weeks later, we got a call from him and he had another expectant mother that wanted to talk to us. We matched with her and now have our son.
This was our experience and many peoples are completely different. Not on way that is better than the other. Just depends on what fits you & your wife: 1)Have open mind 2)read up and talk to as many people as you can about their experience 3)educate yourself on adoption lingo/vernacular 4)Be open & proud at your choice & attempt to educate family & friends from the beginning.
At the end of the day, no matter the route you chose/decisions you make, you are making a childs life immeasurably better & your are providing yourself a kind of love you have never experienced before if you dont have a child.
[h=2][/h]
Just a little of our experience on the front end of the adoption. As other above, we had infertility issues. Decided after about a year, that the Lord's plan for us was to adopt. We bailed in head first. Began reading up on all manner of adoptions and talking with anyone we knew personally who could share their experience. Decided to stay in the US, but that was our only geographic limitation. It was a little shocking at the price, but there are some ways to save. AS mentioned above, private adoption can be cheaper, but it is much more rare. After finding out the many routes we had, we decided to use an adoption consultant. Our consultant has contact with agencies, attorneys, and social workers all over the country. They also help your family make contact and schedule a home study, can match you with an agency within your family's budget, can help you with the expected financial costs through fundraising, financing options, grants, etc. They also can help you select an attorney. They receive expectant mother profiles daily and and pass them along to all clients who fit all the wishes of the expectant mother. We went this route because we felt it opened up our options and would hopefully allow us to match faster. With the single agencies we talked to, the average wait was well over a year. The agencies, attorneys, and social workers they deal prefer to woke with the consultant because they know the consultant has the adopting family prepared legally and financially when the time comes.
It took us ~2 months to be chosen by an expectant mother. That ended up in a failed placement after we supported her for 4 months until the birth. It was tough, but we were well aware of the risk. That adoption was facilitated by one of the best men/attorney that i have ever met in my life. He kept our contact info after the failed placement. 3 weeks later, we got a call from him and he had another expectant mother that wanted to talk to us. We matched with her and now have our son.
This was our experience and many peoples are completely different. Not on way that is better than the other. Just depends on what fits you & your wife: 1)Have open mind 2)read up and talk to as many people as you can about their experience 3)educate yourself on adoption lingo/vernacular 4)Be open & proud at your choice & attempt to educate family & friends from the beginning.
At the end of the day, no matter the route you chose/decisions you make, you are making a childs life immeasurably better & your are providing yourself a kind of love you have never experienced before if you dont have a child.
[h=2][/h]
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Let your entire network of people know you are wanting to adopt. This was recommended to us by an adoption attorney. You never know who is one connection away from that mother who is considering giving up her child or just found out she she is pregnant and she is very young. Having a child or expectant mother identified can save a ton of money and time.
Yeah, that's not a thing. Every kid is different and if your motivation for adoption is how smart or driven your child will be, you probably don't need to adopt a child.
And for the record, your statement was contradictory. People from India are Asian too. Guess you're parents should have adopted an Asian girl who better understands geography.**
And for the record, your statement was contradictory. People from India are Asian too. Guess you're parents should have adopted an Asian girl who better understands geography.**
My oldest is adopted. Like dawgstudent, we went through IUI, IVF, ICSI, etc. in my first marriage and it's not something I would wish on anybody. That said, I wouldn't trade my oldest for anything.
Few things to know:
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
5. With overseas, it's more of a queue. As long as you fulfill the country's age, health, marital, etc. requirements, you're in line. Depending on the country, that could be a few months to a few years. The biggest risk with overseas adoption are things like immediate changes in that country's adoption laws (this happened in Russia), civil unrest, travel restrictions, etc.
6. If you want an infant, as in a days old infant, you're going to want to go with a domestic adoption. If you go overseas, you're looking at a few months old to possibly a year.
7. It's really freaking expensive no matter what path you choose.
Feel free to DM and good luck!
Few things to know:
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
5. With overseas, it's more of a queue. As long as you fulfill the country's age, health, marital, etc. requirements, you're in line. Depending on the country, that could be a few months to a few years. The biggest risk with overseas adoption are things like immediate changes in that country's adoption laws (this happened in Russia), civil unrest, travel restrictions, etc.
6. If you want an infant, as in a days old infant, you're going to want to go with a domestic adoption. If you go overseas, you're looking at a few months old to possibly a year.
7. It's really freaking expensive no matter what path you choose.
Feel free to DM and good luck!
We worked on adopting from Ethiopia 13 years ago. Would have been our second child.
We got thru contract paperwork, an intial in home visit, and had most of the dossier completed when part of our funding was immediately closed due to the financial crash.
Then in 2009 we were working on adopting from Haiti when the earthquake hit in 2010 and shut that program down for an indeterminate amount of time.
Without the funding grant we werent able to afford it initially, and then the chaos that was Haiti after the earthquake made it clear that it wasnt going to happen the second time around either.
- A couple that I am friends with adopted 3 siblings a couple years ago thru the state- they were 5, 4, and 2months at the time. They went from being mid-40s and no kids to 3 kids under 5 and it rocked their world, as expected. The wife stopped teaching and stays at home full time now. It took a long time and a lot of 1on1 work with the older kids, but they wouldnt change a thing now. Its worked out well.
- A former co-worker of my wife adopted siblings when they were 8. His life was pure stress from 8 until 18, and continued to be pure stress after since both kids were a mess due to life before adoption. All emotion based and he talked to us about how completely exhausting it is. The parents didnt have hobbies, they didnt have their kids in sports, and it was just day in and day out of parents on high alert to try and calm down and stabilize emotions.
- I help mentor a girl who is 17 and was adopted a year and a half ago after having been in that same home for the prior year in foster care. She is currently transgender and finishing up the transitioning process. She is incredibly self aware and happy with where she is in life. Last month she said that if she were still living with her biological mom, she would either be dead or in jail at this point- and that isnt an exaggeration. Her adoptive mom is clearly supportive and provides a stable and loving home.
Not saying its a crap shoot, but you can read stories all day and night of successful adoption experiences and then read just as many about nightmare adoptive experiences. Personally, I would be picky. It is the antithesis of adoption in a way, sure, but you need to make sure the situation fits instead of just sacrificing yourself and future for the initial call.
Decide on private or state adoption. Then if its private, figure out if you want domestic or international. Some International is way more difficult than other, depending on country. MLJ is an adoption agency we were working with the second time
Not adopting is for sure a regret, even though we werent in a realistic position to continue with it at the time.
Not adopting is also a significant reason why I now spend so much time with the youth non-profit I volunteer for and help run.
We got thru contract paperwork, an intial in home visit, and had most of the dossier completed when part of our funding was immediately closed due to the financial crash.
Then in 2009 we were working on adopting from Haiti when the earthquake hit in 2010 and shut that program down for an indeterminate amount of time.
Without the funding grant we werent able to afford it initially, and then the chaos that was Haiti after the earthquake made it clear that it wasnt going to happen the second time around either.
- A couple that I am friends with adopted 3 siblings a couple years ago thru the state- they were 5, 4, and 2months at the time. They went from being mid-40s and no kids to 3 kids under 5 and it rocked their world, as expected. The wife stopped teaching and stays at home full time now. It took a long time and a lot of 1on1 work with the older kids, but they wouldnt change a thing now. Its worked out well.
- A former co-worker of my wife adopted siblings when they were 8. His life was pure stress from 8 until 18, and continued to be pure stress after since both kids were a mess due to life before adoption. All emotion based and he talked to us about how completely exhausting it is. The parents didnt have hobbies, they didnt have their kids in sports, and it was just day in and day out of parents on high alert to try and calm down and stabilize emotions.
- I help mentor a girl who is 17 and was adopted a year and a half ago after having been in that same home for the prior year in foster care. She is currently transgender and finishing up the transitioning process. She is incredibly self aware and happy with where she is in life. Last month she said that if she were still living with her biological mom, she would either be dead or in jail at this point- and that isnt an exaggeration. Her adoptive mom is clearly supportive and provides a stable and loving home.
Not saying its a crap shoot, but you can read stories all day and night of successful adoption experiences and then read just as many about nightmare adoptive experiences. Personally, I would be picky. It is the antithesis of adoption in a way, sure, but you need to make sure the situation fits instead of just sacrificing yourself and future for the initial call.
Decide on private or state adoption. Then if its private, figure out if you want domestic or international. Some International is way more difficult than other, depending on country. MLJ is an adoption agency we were working with the second time
Not adopting is for sure a regret, even though we werent in a realistic position to continue with it at the time.
Not adopting is also a significant reason why I now spend so much time with the youth non-profit I volunteer for and help run.
Right. But don't forget the expenses are a dollar for dollar tax credit, so it basically costs nothung.
Wait am I the only one that found this hilarious? It reminds me of the Ford F-150 or Silverado threads. Like, I’m in the market for a smart kid. Which kind should I get?
Really interesting thread. It's touching to see all the responses.
Not exactly what I expected to see on this website today.
Not exactly what I expected to see on this website today.
https://aactofloveadoptions.com/
First of all, God bless you. Infertility is HARD on a couple, especially the wife. We had to go through this while all our friends (and family) were popping out babies left and right. My poor wife...makes me tear up just typing this.
We decided to go through domestic adoption. We let some local adoption attorneys know and doctors. My wife is an NICU nurse, so she had connections.
We ended up going through the link up there, out of Utah. It was a FAST experience and we got our son in about 6 months since starting the process. We actually turned down about 5 cases (drug related). A Act of Love uses a HUGE network...they did then anyway. My son turns 16 on Sunday.
The cost was pricey though. I believe we spent about 45k. I don't think I need to tell you though, best money I ever spent. We just ran up some credit cards and took a 2nd mortgage. I do believe ours was on the higher end because the birth-mom didn't have medical insurance. The AWESOME hospital gave us a HUGE discount though...more than half off.
It was an experience that taught me so much as a person and I am not really sure I would do it a different way. I mean that. Good luck to you and please reach out if you have questions.
First of all, God bless you. Infertility is HARD on a couple, especially the wife. We had to go through this while all our friends (and family) were popping out babies left and right. My poor wife...makes me tear up just typing this.
We decided to go through domestic adoption. We let some local adoption attorneys know and doctors. My wife is an NICU nurse, so she had connections.
We ended up going through the link up there, out of Utah. It was a FAST experience and we got our son in about 6 months since starting the process. We actually turned down about 5 cases (drug related). A Act of Love uses a HUGE network...they did then anyway. My son turns 16 on Sunday.
The cost was pricey though. I believe we spent about 45k. I don't think I need to tell you though, best money I ever spent. We just ran up some credit cards and took a 2nd mortgage. I do believe ours was on the higher end because the birth-mom didn't have medical insurance. The AWESOME hospital gave us a HUGE discount though...more than half off.
It was an experience that taught me so much as a person and I am not really sure I would do it a different way. I mean that. Good luck to you and please reach out if you have questions.
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Yeah, probably best that dorn NOT let his wife know that he got advice from SPS, or at least not if she knows how we "normally" are! 
Hang with it DS. My daughter and her husband had a very difficult time until they got everything aligned correctly for Nora and Khloe. And these girls are worth it believe me even though it was very, very difficult.
Dawgg gave some really good information!
Few things to know:
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
One of our adoptions was out of state and one in state. The in state adoption was easier and faster. The out of state adoption required that we follow an interstate compact which actually limited the number of hours my wife could work each week. The twins lived with us the entire time but the adoption was not final for an entire year.
One of the most aggravating parts for me was the home study. The couple that interviewed us were very nice. I thought some of the questions were intrusive and didnt like strangers walking through my home grading us on whether we would be good parents.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
This is how it happened for us and you just dont know what clicks with the birthmom to select you. We had actually miscarried twins. The birthmother of our twins told us that after she read that in our portfolio she put all the other portfolios back.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
Our first adoption was private. The birth parents knew our first names from the portfolio but that was it. All contact like letters and pictures was supposed to be through the agency. They eventually found us on Facebook anyway and reached out to us. Our second adoption was completely open. My wife even got to go with the birthmother on doctor visits. I think private adoptions will be very hard from now on with all the DNA testing sites and Facebook.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
This was probably the most nerve racking portion experience of my life. I think we had to wait 48 hours after all anesthesia, drugs, etc. Our birthmothers signed without hesitation. Finding and getting one of the birth fathers to sign was a little more difficult.
Few things to know:
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
One of our adoptions was out of state and one in state. The in state adoption was easier and faster. The out of state adoption required that we follow an interstate compact which actually limited the number of hours my wife could work each week. The twins lived with us the entire time but the adoption was not final for an entire year.
One of the most aggravating parts for me was the home study. The couple that interviewed us were very nice. I thought some of the questions were intrusive and didnt like strangers walking through my home grading us on whether we would be good parents.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
This is how it happened for us and you just dont know what clicks with the birthmom to select you. We had actually miscarried twins. The birthmother of our twins told us that after she read that in our portfolio she put all the other portfolios back.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
Our first adoption was private. The birth parents knew our first names from the portfolio but that was it. All contact like letters and pictures was supposed to be through the agency. They eventually found us on Facebook anyway and reached out to us. Our second adoption was completely open. My wife even got to go with the birthmother on doctor visits. I think private adoptions will be very hard from now on with all the DNA testing sites and Facebook.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
This was probably the most nerve racking portion experience of my life. I think we had to wait 48 hours after all anesthesia, drugs, etc. Our birthmothers signed without hesitation. Finding and getting one of the birth fathers to sign was a little more difficult.
I went through a different sort of adoption route. I became a father at 35 of a 9 year old boy and 13 year old girl when I remarried. We gave them a brother the next year and I adopted them both right after the youngest was born so we would all have the same name because I do not have steps in my family. I had wanted to since we got married and their dead beat father actually let me do it when I was sure he wouldn't. He actually offered before I got a chance to ask him face to face after an argument with the kids.
We encouraged them to stay in touch with him but he just disappeared until they were adults. I just can't understand how you can do that as a father but it has been the best probably since he suffers from physiological mental issues and won't stay on his meds. End of the day, it was best for everyone.
It really was funny when people told us my daughter looked like me. I never told them any different.
We encouraged them to stay in touch with him but he just disappeared until they were adults. I just can't understand how you can do that as a father but it has been the best probably since he suffers from physiological mental issues and won't stay on his meds. End of the day, it was best for everyone.
It really was funny when people told us my daughter looked like me. I never told them any different.
Dawgg gave some really good information! I will add:
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
One of our adoptions was out of state and one in state. The in state adoption was easier and faster. The out of state adoption required that we follow an interstate compact which part of it actually limited the number of hours my wife could work each week. The twins lived with us the entire time but the adoption was not final for an entire year due to some of the requirements.
One of the most aggravating parts for me was the home study. The couple that interviewed us were very nice. I thought some of the questions were intrusive and didnt like strangers walking through my home grading us on whether we would be good parents. They actually had to come check on us several times during the year and then sign off agreeing we were suitable parents.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
This is how it happened for us for our domestic adoptions. We had actually miscarried twins. The birthmother of our twins told us that after she read that in our portfolio she put all the other portfolios back.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
Our first adoption was private. The birth parents knew our first names from the portfolio but that was it. All contact like letters and pictures was supposed to be through the agency. They eventually found us on Facebook anyway and reached out to us. Our second adoption was completely open. My wife even got to go with the birthmother on doctor visits. I think private adoptions will be very hard from now on with all the DNA testing sites and Facebook. Go with what makes you comfortable.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
This was probably the most nerve racking portion experience of my life. I think we had to wait 48 hours after all anesthesia, drugs, etc. Our birthmothers signed without hesitation. Finding and getting one of the birth fathers to sign was a little more difficult.
1. Each state is different and generally you're bound by the laws of the state where the adoption took place. I can tell you how things went for me in Texas, but wherever you live is going to be potentially different.
One of our adoptions was out of state and one in state. The in state adoption was easier and faster. The out of state adoption required that we follow an interstate compact which part of it actually limited the number of hours my wife could work each week. The twins lived with us the entire time but the adoption was not final for an entire year due to some of the requirements.
One of the most aggravating parts for me was the home study. The couple that interviewed us were very nice. I thought some of the questions were intrusive and didnt like strangers walking through my home grading us on whether we would be good parents. They actually had to come check on us several times during the year and then sign off agreeing we were suitable parents.
2. Unless you're going through CPS, the major difference between domestic and overseas adoption is that domestically the mother chooses you. That worked out well for me because we discovered the infertility at a pretty young age and most potential parents trying to adopt are older, so we stood out and matched very quickly. You essentially make a scrapbook with pictures of you and your wife, your interests, do you travel, if you have nieces or nephews, etc. and the birth mother looks through them and may want to meet you and your wife for an interview, then ultimately chooses the person/people they want.
This is how it happened for us for our domestic adoptions. We had actually miscarried twins. The birthmother of our twins told us that after she read that in our portfolio she put all the other portfolios back.
3. Most adoption agencies that I talked to had basic guidelines for contact after the adoption (letters/pictures for 5 years, no direct contact, no last names, etc.), but really it's an agreement between you and the birth mother. As horshack mentioned, know what you're comfortable with in regards to post adoption contact and know what you can walk away from. We were pretty lucky and it was just the basic letters and pictures for a few years.
Our first adoption was private. The birth parents knew our first names from the portfolio but that was it. All contact like letters and pictures was supposed to be through the agency. They eventually found us on Facebook anyway and reached out to us. Our second adoption was completely open. My wife even got to go with the birthmother on doctor visits. I think private adoptions will be very hard from now on with all the DNA testing sites and Facebook. Go with what makes you comfortable.
4. In Texas, with a domestic adoption, the birth mother can't sign the papers until 48 hours after giving birth. During those 48 hours, they may not even let you see the baby or they may want you hanging out at the hospital all day. Ours wanted us there when she was born, but I've heard a lot of stories that go a lot of different ways. Just know that is probably the most nerve racking 48 hours of the entire deal because there's nothing legally binding the mother to following through with the adoption. They can walk away at any point. Depending on the agency, not only do you lose out on the baby, you're also out some portion of your money as well.
This was probably the most nerve racking portion experience of my life. I think we had to wait 48 hours after all anesthesia, drugs, etc. Our birthmothers signed without hesitation. Finding and getting one of the birth fathers to sign was a little more difficult.
I actually forgot about the home study. Mine was done by a social worker that worked for the adoption agency. She was nice and genuinely wanted us to succeed, but yes, the questions can be personal. They may ask about the state of your marriage, what are some of the hard times and how you handle conflict with each other. If you've gone through a miscarriage, they may ask some questions about your/your wife's emotional state, how long ago it was, etc. They may ask your wife why you would be a good father and you why she would be a good mother. Why you want to be a parent, why you want to adopt, etc.
Also, in addition to cleaning, go ahead and 'child proof' your home for the initial home study.
Get the plastic electrical outlet plug caps. Get a fire extinguisher and know where it is. If you have a pool, make sure it's gated. If you have a pet, make sure it's vaccinated.
Have a room identified in the house as the nursery or kid's room.
They're not looking for you to be perfect people or have the perfect marriage or the perfect house. They're just making sure you don't have any red flags.
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A friend of mine tried to adopt a young lady's baby like your case.
Their part of the agreement was to pay all prenatal expenses and the baby birthing. The girl had the baby and decided to keep it at the last minute so they lost their money.
Their part of the agreement was to pay all prenatal expenses and the baby birthing. The girl had the baby and decided to keep it at the last minute so they lost their money.
Sadly this is a very potential outcome whether with an agency/attorney or with a private adoption. Statistics vary between 10-20% adoptions fail between match & placement.
I only adopt from Equatorial Guinea, but if you wanna play Russian roulette with a kid from somewhere else then be my guest***
The church that we are a part of is very involved with the foster system in our area, so we almost always have a handful of families with foster placements at any given time. One thing that I have learned from being around it more is that the actual goal of foster care is reunification of the families. I had alway assumed that kids in the foster system were just waiting for adoption, but that is not the case the majority of the time. We had some close friends take in 2 brothers- the mom was struggling with substance abuse and the dad was in jail. The mom was trying to get clean, and had to hit all these different milestones the court set for her in order for her custody to be restored. The mom basically had a year from the time the boys were taken from her to hit all the milestones before her custody would be terminated. Only then could the boys be adopted. The state also prioritizes placing kids with blood relatives above all else, so you may be in the process of finalizing adoption of some kids that have been in your care for years, and if a family member steps forward as a care taker, you basically have no recourse.
All that to say- being a foster parent as a trial run for adoption isn't really a great comparison. You have all kinds of stipulations of what you can/can't do with the kids while a foster parent. The state will also try to push you past the boundaries you set on what kind of kids you are willing to take. Some friends of mine said they would only take 1 kid under the age of 5, and couldn't do special needs or medically fragile. Almost every call they got was for siblings with one older than 5, and often special needs or medically fragile. A bunch of times, the case worker would be pretty vague about the kids, so they would have to parse through the case files themselves to figure out the situations. The case workers are way overworked and underpaid, so it is hard to blame them for trying to get kids in homes, but you have to be able to stand up for yourself and say no to kids that you know you can't help.
All that to say- being a foster parent as a trial run for adoption isn't really a great comparison. You have all kinds of stipulations of what you can/can't do with the kids while a foster parent. The state will also try to push you past the boundaries you set on what kind of kids you are willing to take. Some friends of mine said they would only take 1 kid under the age of 5, and couldn't do special needs or medically fragile. Almost every call they got was for siblings with one older than 5, and often special needs or medically fragile. A bunch of times, the case worker would be pretty vague about the kids, so they would have to parse through the case files themselves to figure out the situations. The case workers are way overworked and underpaid, so it is hard to blame them for trying to get kids in homes, but you have to be able to stand up for yourself and say no to kids that you know you can't help.