I see my psychiatrist once a week now. I have had a really hard time opening up to him 100%. I don't know why, but it has been really hard for me. I write a lot and am curious if you think would be a good idea about maybe writing it all down and instead of talking maybe letting him read if I could open up on paper all the way? Yes they have put me on meds. I have dealt with suicidal thoughts for past 3 years and have been hospitalized twice the past year. I do have an emergency number saved in my phone that have called several times to help me. Have went through the phase of self harm as well. Pretty embarrassing for me but my arms are covered in scars because of it. Wear long sleeves most times because of it.
Hey man, it took me months to let out stuff I'd been keeping bottled up. Months. It's a vulnerable situation you put yourself in. You've got to get comfortable with him or her. I was ashamed at some of the **** that happened in Iraq and I didn't want him to think I was a murderer. But I gradually told him everything and I'm so glad I did. I got a piece of my soul back.
Journals are a great idea and keeping one will help. But in my experience I had to verbally communicate with him and as terrifying as it is I think you should too. Having said that, try showing him the journal because that's a step in the right direction. That may be the way you have to do it.
Don't be embarrassed. You're seeking help and that's what matters. So you were suicidal before meds? If so SSRis are dangerous and I hope you're not taking those. They can exacerbate the suicidal thoughts. I won't take them. But they work for others so maybe they can for you.
I kept a loaded gun under my pillow. I was so screwed up I took the safety off and pulled the trigger with a gun to my head. I usually keep a round chambered but miraculously there wasn't one chambered. That moment changed my life so I sought treatment. Thank God I did.
It gets better bro. Don't isolate yourself or dwell on dark thoughts. My legs are scarred horrendously from an IED so I never wear shorts. Just like with your wearing long sleeves to cover yours. Don't worry about it. That's the past. Again don't be embarrassed. Every human on earth has insecurities.
If you don't mind me asking, do you have any of the 10 different personality disorders? Because they would explain why you feel that way. I had zero entering the Army and after 3 deployments I came home and developed 3 of them. Did your psychiatrist identify any with you?