Family Estrangement

[SuperBigFan69]

Best part of the day is family dinner at home!

Do you demand silence while you read your posts to your family?

Stop talking everyone here is the next one

"Shut up your twink *** *****, yeah that is right, you are a twink *** *****. Let me guess, your ***** *** faggy *** is going to report me to a mod? Ha, do it, homo. It is homos like you that caused the decline of the Roman empire, you stupid gay twinks"

 

[RBigredMax1]

....we modded our will. We also know others who've done the same.

I would hope that if a kid is going to no-contact their parents there would not be any expectation of receiving anything in the will.

Also any parent that holds the outcome of their will over their child’s heads is lame too. Absolutely not accusing you of doing this Lite - just a general observation.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I would hope that if a kid is going to no-contact their parents there would not be any expectation of receiving anything in the will.

Also any parent that holds the outcome of their will over their child’s heads is lame too. Absolutely not accusing you of doing this Lite - just a general observation.

Yeah, parents that hold the will over their kids heads are horrible.

With that said, I firmly believe that parents should just leave everything to their kids and divide it up equally, no matter what. But that is because I am a great person with a huge heart.

 

[Huskers12345]

Yeah, parents that hold the will over their kids heads are horrible.

With that said, I firmly believe that parents should just leave everything to their kids and divide it up equally, no matter what. But that is because I am a great person with a huge heart.

Haha You're crazy. My kids ain't getting **** if they didn't talk to me for the last 30 years of my life. Give it to NIL before I did that.

This thread is eye opening. I knew of siblings fighting, alot of times over inheritance. Never heard of kids just randomly ghosting their parents. Must be some strange family situations or just a lot of goofballs out there.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Haha You're crazy. My kids ain't getting **** if they didn't talk to me for the last 30 years of my life. Give it to NIL before I did that.

This thread is eye opening. I knew of siblings fighting, alot of times over inheritance. Never heard of kids just randomly ghosting their parents. Must be some strange family situations or just a lot of goofballs out there.

My kids could never talk to me again and I would give them everything I have...

As far as the ghosting thing, I don't get it. I mean, with texting it is so easy to keep pretty much any relationship "open"...unless you live right next to your parents you probably only see them when you want them to watch your kids (if they are still young) or for a holiday.

It just doesn't seem that hard to stay in touch.

 

[RBigredMax1]

My kids could never talk to me again and I would give them everything I have...

As far as the ghosting thing, I don't get it. I mean, with texting it is so easy to keep pretty much any relationship "open"...unless you live right next to your parents you probably only see them when you want them to watch your kids (if they are still young) or for a holiday.

It just doesn't seem that hard to stay in touch.

I think as people get older they tend to align with people with similar values. I have a sibling that has been it out of jail multiple times for drugs, has little respect for anyone. I haven’t talked to him in years. We have nothing in common, our values are entirely different. I don’t think I’m a jerk for having that opinion, he feels the same because he makes no effort to reach out. I don’t hate him, we just don’t talk.

There comes a point where so much time has passed that it becomes more awkward to talk than not to talk.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I think as people get older they tend to align with people with similar values. I have a sibling that has been it out of jail multiple times for drugs, has little respect for anyone. I haven’t talked to him in years. We have nothing in common, our values are entirely different. I don’t think I’m a jerk for having that opinion, he feels the same because he makes no effort to reach out. I don’t hate him, we just don’t talk.

There comes a point where so much time has passed that it becomes more awkward to talk than not to talk.

Oh yeah, that happens for sure. Sometimes that happens with your friend group too.

 

[Big bo fan]

I think as people get older they tend to align with people with similar values. I have a sibling that has been it out of jail multiple times for drugs, has little respect for anyone. I haven’t talked to him in years. We have nothing in common, our values are entirely different. I don’t think I’m a jerk for having that opinion, he feels the same because he makes no effort to reach out. I don’t hate him, we just don’t talk.

There comes a point where so much time has passed that it becomes more awkward to talk than not to talk.

You have done nothing wrong. but that unfortunately happens. But it’s not the same as the OP in this thread that has no idea why communication stoped all the sudden.

 

[dinglefritz]

I am 62 never been married My mom and dad were my parents they weren’t my friends. I had friends. They raised me taught me right from wrong and when I did something wrong they punished me . Parents now try to be their kid’s friend and when they have to punish the kids the kids feel like it’s a friend turning on them . I think that causes the whole problem later down the road.

We had very little contact with my parents but they were divorced and kind of a mess. They were several hours away and had their own routine. Spent a ton of time with my wife’s family and that was great for my kids but they never ever gave us parenting advice. They were supportive and came to the major kid events but weren’t there ALL the time.

I think too many of us expect to be there every minute of our grandkids’ lives. The only way that works is IF YOU’RE INVITED. Going through that a little with my son’s family but they literally lived with us for about 3 years during COVID. Then they moved to a house we owned in Omaha and we saw them a bunch down there until they moved backed to TX. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did during COVID, but we have a large multilevel house and my wife and I both worked long hours. Would love to see my grandkids more but it’s not our call. We go when we’re invited.

 

[dinglefritz]

This is a more serious issue than ever.. for some reason, kids now are quicker to divorce their parents than previous generations. Devil is loving the breakdown of the nuclear fam and social media egging them on to help em make terrible choicea.

Yes there were always disagreements between family members and some did stop talking, but its on a much larger scale now and its really sad.

Meh. My parents really didn’t seem to give a sheet when I flew the coop. No calls. No letters. Hindsight I probably could have been better at communicating but I never heard a peep from them either.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Meh. My parents really didn’t seem to give a sheet when I flew the coop. No calls. No letters. Hindsight I probably could have been better at communicating but I never heard a peep from them either.

I think sometimes people think there needs to be this constant contact.

My parents are amazing...I probably talk to them on the phone 5 times a year for a total of maybe 10 minutes...if that even.

Then I see them for Christmas.

 

[dinglefritz]

...i'd pay to see the reactions of todays kids who divorced their folks, when it comes time to read the will after their folks pass, and they find out they ain't in it.

A retired janitor left my church 175K because his nephew would drive right by his house on the way to the lake and not once did he stop to say hi. The guy drove an hour and a half to boat, and couldn’t stop for half an hour to see his widowed elderly uncle for a few minutes. That old man was the nicest man. All my kids loved him when he was a janitor at their high school.

 

[dinglefritz]

Christmas is so painful for me. I hate receiving gifts. Unless it's cash, an experience gift or something from my kids, I'm perfectly okay not receiving anything.

The last thing I need is more stuff.

Gimme a T-shirt and I’m good.

 

[RBigredMax1]

We had very little contact with my parents but they were divorced and kind of a mess. They were several hours away and had their own routine. Spent a ton of time with my wife’s family and that was great for my kids but they never ever gave us parenting advice. They were supportive and came to the major kid events but weren’t there ALL the time.

I think too many of us expect to be there every minute of our grandkids’ lives. The only way that works is IF YOU’RE INVITED. Going through that a little with my son’s family but they literally lived with us for about 3 years during COVID. Then they moved to a house we owned in Omaha and we saw them a bunch down there until they moved backed to TX. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did during COVID, but we have a large multilevel house and my wife and I both worked long hours. Would love to see my grandkids more but it’s not our call. We go when we’re invited.

This^^^^

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Gimme a T-shirt and I’m good.

Dude a pack of undershirts or socks. I am happy!

 

[dinglefritz]

This is a good point. I was talking to this lady at church last week. She’s about 75, super nice, very good personality and she’s pretty conservative, but she never brings up politics

. She has a younger left coast sister who has excommunicated her. They never had a blowup and they didnt talk about politics when they were still on good terms. The best she can figure is that her sister really does not like her by proxy. Christian, must be republican, must therefore be Maga, therefore must be some of the earth or some bizarre reasoning along those lines. The lady I know has a great husband, great family, children, and grandchildren, and many friends. Her life is pretty damn rich. But she told me her sister in California, never got married and is just bitter about everything.

Jealousy.

 

[dinglefritz]

Yeah, I've learned that, unfortunately the politics thing is one of the key contributors in many of these cases. And although the situation that I'm closest to regarding this isn't proven to be politically driven (the kid hasn't told the parents why she won't speak to them), we have all suspected that might be what it is.

Can't imagine at 24 years old, anyone would have such strong political beliefs that they'd disown their family over who they did or didn't vote for. Especially when said family isn't even very political at all. Hardly ever talk about it and never push their views on anyone that I know of. But, we've learned that is a big contributor in many cases.

Also, as an aside, funny you should mention California in your example. The kid in the situation I'm involved with happens to have lived in California for the last 6 years. And all of this has happened since then. Definitely seems more prevalent there.

Politics, especially to extreme left wingers, IS a religion to lots of people.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

Politics, especially to extreme left wingers, IS a religion to lots of people.

Extreme to either side...

 

[HuskerInCarolina]

Yeah, parents that hold the will over their kids heads are horrible.

With that said, I firmly believe that parents should just leave everything to their kids and divide it up equally, no matter what. But that is because I am a great person with a huge heart.

I think parents should leave everything to their grandkids. If parents die in their 70s/80s/90s, most of their children should be in their 40s/50s/60s/70s. Me, I’m already set at the point. Give it to my kids (their grandkids) who are just getting started in life and adulting, etc.
Not every case is the same, but generally yeah.

 

[dinglefritz]

Single men are missing out coming home to a home cooked meal from their soul mate (aka bestie, aka wife).

Ummm. My wife makes more $ than I do. We go out as often as I can get her to go. She’s a great cook. Just not usually for me.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I think parents should leave everything to their grandkids. If parents die in their 70s/80s/90s, most of their children should be in their 40s/50s/60s/70s. Me, I’m already set at the point. Give it to my kids (their grandkids) who are just getting started in life and adulting, etc.
Not every case is the same, but generally yeah.

Nothings wrong with that idea either!

 

[Baxter48]

I don't belong to any online Discussion Groups, so you guys/gals are it and I need some help.

I hate the word 'Estrangement,' but I don't know how to explain my current situation.

For three years now, my Son, Daughter-in-Law and three Grandkids have had nothing to do with my wife or me.

This is particularly baffling because (at least, we thought) we had a really good relationship with all of them. We have been generous with our finances and our time. We attended every school, sports and extra-curricular activity possible, even watching classes and practices between games. We've always thought of ourselves as being supportive parents and grandparents.

Calls, emails and texts are not answered.

We have sent Christmas and Birthday cards/presents/gift cards with no acknowledgement or response. The kids are all old enough to respond on their own.

We've been told we are 'Angry,' but have no idea what we're supposedly angry about. I am angry about the situation we find ourselves in; I had nothing to be angry about before being shut out of their lives.

We have suggested counseling. They have no interest.

We have been working on our own with a counselor and have tried several recommendations with no success.

Have any of you been through anything similar and/or do you have any advice?

Thanks in advance...

They are only hurting themselves and children, I never had much of a relationship with my grandparents simply because I was the fifth child in my family born and the passed on before I had a chance to have a relationship. Most of my classmates had grandparents I would have given my left nut to have what they had. And here is there biggest problem every day we get closer to meeting our maker and once you and your wife are gone game over, they can’t have a do over. Most people regret their actions for being a butthead some even will admit it some don’t

 

[RBigredMax1]

Extreme to either side...

I have yet to meet a Republican who have shut people off for being Democrat. I’m sure they exist but haven’t seen it.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I have yet to meet a Republican who have shut people off for being Democrat. I’m sure they exist but haven’t seen it.

I have yet to meet either cut off the other one...but I am also sure they exist.

 

[dinglefritz]

Nothings wrong with that idea either!

The problem is the money removing incentive for the grandkids to make something of themselves. Too easy. A little financial struggle early in life can be a positive thing.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

The problem is the money removing incentive for the grandkids to make something of themselves. Too easy. A little financial struggle early in life can be a positive thing.

I suppose.

 

[RBigredMax1]

The problem is the money removing incentive for the grandkids to make something of themselves. Too easy. A little financial struggle early in life can be a positive thing.

I plan to will @SuperBigFan69 - enough money for that Corolla he’s been dreaming about since he left college.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I plan to will @SuperBigFan69 - enough money for that Corolla he’s been dreaming about since he left college.

Fully loaded???

Dare to dream!

 

[RBigredMax1]

Fully loaded???

Dare to dream!

The same model you were dreaming about in 2002 when you graduated. I got you!

 

[NEHuskerJack95]

I don't belong to any online Discussion Groups, so you guys/gals are it and I need some help.

I hate the word 'Estrangement,' but I don't know how to explain my current situation.

For three years now, my Son, Daughter-in-Law and three Grandkids have had nothing to do with my wife or me.

This is particularly baffling because (at least, we thought) we had a really good relationship with all of them. We have been generous with our finances and our time. We attended every school, sports and extra-curricular activity possible, even watching classes and practices between games. We've always thought of ourselves as being supportive parents and grandparents.

Calls, emails and texts are not answered.

We have sent Christmas and Birthday cards/presents/gift cards with no acknowledgement or response. The kids are all old enough to respond on their own.

We've been told we are 'Angry,' but have no idea what we're supposedly angry about. I am angry about the situation we find ourselves in; I had nothing to be angry about before being shut out of their lives.

We have suggested counseling. They have no interest.

We have been working on our own with a counselor and have tried several recommendations with no success.

Have any of you been through anything similar and/or do you have any advice?

Thanks in advance...

Wow, I didn't expect this to take off like it did..

Several of you commented about the prevalence of Estrangement, Ghosting and/or No Contact in society today and how social media may play a part. Other than the counselor mentioned in my original post, I have not spoken with anyone about this situation. It's just too embarrassing.

I have read every word of every reply.

Some of you asked for more details in order to better understand. We have shared detail after detail with our counselor, including when we had Covid and our Daughter-in-Law brought soup to us and checked on us continuously.

Some of you asked questions for clarification. I purposely didn't provide some details in order to ensure privacy for all involved.

1. To SuperBigFan69 -- The easy thing is to blame our Daughter-in-Law. I don't have any knowledge that she is primarily responsible and she's certainly not horrible. Besides, it makes our Son look weak and provides an easy out. He's not a weak guy. Also, I don't wish Divorce on anyone.

2. To HuskerinCarolina -- We moved from Nebraska two years ago and naturally don't attend any events. The Estrangement began more than a year before the move. During that year, I attended quite a few sports events without anyone knowing. Birthday cards/presents have continued to be sent every year. In the spring of 2023, there was an incident. I have found it hard to believe that one incident led to the past three years. My Son explained away the incident, accepting no responsibility. In the OP, I said we had been told we were 'Angry' but were never told what we were angry about. My wife and I have apologized many times for anything we may have done. Asking my Son to write a letter is a good idea; he doesn't respond to anything from us.

3. To NikkiSixx -- I understand your comments regarding looking deeper and inner work. My wife and I have done a lot of soul-searching on this and other topics. We've spent thousands on counseling, with progress in several areas, but not this one. You are completely off-base implying that cards/presents have been sent for acknowledgement. Since we don't have many grandkids, we were able to make Big Deals out of Birthdays and holidays, like Valentine Day, Halloween, Easter, etc. When the grandkids were younger, our Daughter-in-Law encouraged and helped them write Thank-You notes.

4. To Big bo fan -- They have been married for over 20 years. The Grandkids are 15 (16 in September), 13 (14 in August) and 11 (earlier this month). The only way I could tell the whole story would be to write a book

5. To RBigredMax1 -- If my Son were to write a letter explaining this to us, I would expect to hear of some hurtful issues. My Daughter-in-Law's Mom passed away in November 2021, eighteen months before the Estrangement started. Her Mom and Dad did not live in Omaha. Shortly after that, our Daughter-in-Law told my wife that her mom and my wife had a really good relationship, much better than her mom had with her siblings' Mothers-in-Law. In November 2022, our Daughter-in-Law wanted to spend her Birthday with us rather than with her siblings. Her Dad moved back to Omaha in the summer of 2023.

6. To skin-tight -- I can say with 100% certainty that Politics are not an issue.

7. To SuperBigFan69 -- No one is a fireman or farmer. My wife is a retired teacher. I'm curious why you asked. Of course, there is more to the story...on both sides. See my earlier comment on privacy.

8. o Nuts McClanahan -- Good advice. We've been waiting things out for over three years and have no other choice at this point.

9. To mgbreeze -- I didn't intend on posting and leaving. I have read every word of every reply and put some thought into my replies to individual posters,

 

[skin-tight]

Thanks for the reply Jack. Best of luck. It appears that you have been doing your due diligence. Please keep us posted if you feel comfortable with that.

 

[Frostontheegrass]

. In the spring of 2023, there was an incident. I have found it hard to believe that one incident led to the past three years. My Son explained away the incident, accepting no responsibility. In the OP, I said we had been told we were 'Angry' but were never told what we were angry about. My wife and I have apologized many times for anything we may have done.

Annnd, what was the incident??????

 

[dinglefritz]

Annnd, what was the incident??????

Sure makes it sound like Junior and his wife are unforgiving and the angry ones. On the other hand, if the incident was abuse of a grandkid….. My experience is that family dysfunction is passed down generation to generation.

 

[Man Woman & Child]

Sure makes it sound like Junior and his wife are unforgiving and the angry ones. On the other hand, if the incident was abuse of a grandkid….. My experience is that family dysfunction is passed down generation to generation.

In all of my having to deal with this, I've reached the conclusion that physical and/or sexual abuse are about the only things that warrant the complete no-contact (or disassociation or estrangement or whatever we're calling it). There are certainly other one-off scenarios that may be rational justification, but those two on the whole seem pretty widely accepted.

Unfortunately, it's often being done for muuuuuuuuuuch less these days. Like much much much much less. I literally know of a direct family member who had it done to them for telling their grandkid that they didn't have the type of chip the kid wanted, and was told you can either eat this other one or have none, and the mother of the child said the grandparent had deprived and verbally abused her kid. Boom, no-contact. I didn't witness it, but having been around all parties involved pretty extensively before that "incident" I believe the grandparents 1000%

side note - said family member doing the no contact is very from Seattle

 

[litespeedhuskerfan]

Meh. My parents really didn’t seem to give a sheet when I flew the coop. No calls. No letters. Hindsight I probably could have been better at communicating but I never heard a peep from them either.

..but if they called you would have answered, right? You probably weren't trashing them to anyone who would listen either, right?

Apples to oranges compared to what many are discussing in tbis thread.

 

[NEHuskerJack95]

Annnd, what was the incident??????

I'm not going to provide details because there were witnesses.

It involved my wife and one of the grandkids.

It came to a head after a month and 4-5 instances of the same behavior.

Our Daughter-in-Law reacted.

Our Son was not present that day.

I was there.

 

[dinglefritz]

..but if they called you would have answered, right? You probably weren't trashing them to anyone who would listen either, right?

Apples to oranges compared to what many are discussing in tbis thread.

True. My point was that my parents and my wife’s parents were very much LESS involved in our day to day lives than virtually all of the families I see today. It was kind of a big deal to make a long distance phone call and talk for 30 minutes. Now people want constant contact it seems via texting or social media. I think involved grandparents can be a great thing. I’m glad my wife’s mom especially stayed in touch as much as she was able but it was primarily in person on holidays and birthdays. There can be a point where it’s too much. Facebook has destroyed some family relationships. Somebody gets mad or drunk and puts something stupid on Facebook for the world to see.

I have the most fond memory of the grandpa I only remember spending one Christmas with in Fargo. The Grandma who spent her last few years in our town was crabby and I was forced to learn to play Canasta with her. I don’t think she enjoyed it either. My dysfunctional family was fine. I survived. We can’t always get the kind of family we might think we want. I had some good role models in a Jewish family who lived on the acreage next door and their son is a life long friend (and a booster of substance).

 

[Front Runner]

Gosh I am very sorry to read that and that you're going through that. Family is a very important value/concept to me. I would be heartbroken if I were in your shoes.

Do you know why things changed or what the catalyst for the estrangement would be? Do you still attend these events and send gifts/cards in this 3 years of estrangement? Part of me wants to say to stop attending and probably only send cards to the kids if they're still minors. But at the same time (I'll touch more in a bit), part of me wants to say keep doing it. As long as you're doing it out of love with no expectation of something in return. You never know when it'll be the last event you attend or the last card you get to send.

Unfortunately, the ball is all in their court. You're not going to be able to make them to want to be around you. They will have to want that for themselves.

My grandparents and my mother went through this, and unfortunately it affected the relationship with my two youngest sisters. I was older and out of the home when the family drama went down so I was able to maintain my relationship with my parents and my grandparents independently until they got their stuff figured out. It took over 5 years for my grandparents and mother to get back on speaking terms and seeing each other. It pains me because time is limited. My grandfather is now bed ridden in a nursing facility after a stroke years ago so he is no longer able to participate in any family gatherings nor make memories with the family. Those 5 years were wasted in my eyes. My two youngest sisters have nothing to do with my grandparents, and I get it, they never knew them. Especially not the way I did (we have 13-15 year age gap).

My recommendation: Have them right a letter explaining their thoughts, emotions, recollection of events, etc. Have them write down what they desire going forward. This provides them the opportunity to slowly put together their thoughts over how long it takes, rather than a conversation where you don't have as much time to think. It also provides them the opportunity to express themselves without any rebuttal, cutting off, intimidation of body language, etc. I would also recommend you write one as well.

You have to find the root of the issue before you can fix the relationship. Communication is extremely important. I am a firm believer that there is nothing beyond repair when it comes to relationships, but it does require both parties to want to.

I wish you and your wife the best in this. These things suck and they're very hard. I couldn't imagine keeping my kids away from my parents. It is my hope and prayer that in time, they will come around. Life is short and time is limited. Please continue to make the most of yours, even if others don't want to be involved in it.

probably should be post of year.. Incredible empathy

 

[dinglefritz]

I'm not going to provide details because there were witnesses.

It involved my wife and one of the grandkids.

It came to a head after a month and 4-5 instances of the same behavior.

Our Daughter-in-Law reacted.

Our Son was not present that day.

I was there.

Aaaaah. Grandma trying to correct a grandkid never goes over well with the daughter-in-law. There you have it. She crossed the line and mama bear hasn’t forgiven. My Mom used to try to give me parenting and marital advice. She had a heart of gold but her parenting skills were extremely lacking for her 7 kids and divorced my dad after 35+ years.

 

[NEHuskerJack95]

Aaaaah. Grandma trying to correct a grandkid never goes over well with the daughter-in-law. There you have it. She crossed the line and mama bear hasn’t forgiven. My Mom used to try to give me parenting and marital advice. She had a heart of gold but her parenting skills were extremely lacking for her 7 kids and divorced my dad after 35+ years.

Nope.

Grandma asked a question about why is grandkid treating me this way?

Daughter-in-Law was offended and started yelling at Grandma.