OT: Open Foot, Insert Mouth
- Thread starter Nowucme
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Also- being married to a Caribbean woman, there would be too many to count if I had to mention all of my Wide's comments. But to her, it is never foot in mouth. It just comes out.
Ran into her niece about a year ago- hadn't seen her in about a year or two. Niece is maybe 40-50 lbs heavier then last time we saw her. And don't worry, I am not repeating an "When is the baby due" story.
But my wife being my wife- " Oh my, you got big" - Niece says without missing a beat "Yeah, I know Auntie, baby weight" Where my wife says "Isn't your baby 5?"
She goes to pull a hair off the collar of a guy she is working with at a dinner we are at- she grabs it, guy gives a "ouch!" as we see the skin of his neck being pulled with that "loose" hair my wife just had to pull.
Ran into her niece about a year ago- hadn't seen her in about a year or two. Niece is maybe 40-50 lbs heavier then last time we saw her. And don't worry, I am not repeating an "When is the baby due" story.
But my wife being my wife- " Oh my, you got big" - Niece says without missing a beat "Yeah, I know Auntie, baby weight" Where my wife says "Isn't your baby 5?"
She goes to pull a hair off the collar of a guy she is working with at a dinner we are at- she grabs it, guy gives a "ouch!" as we see the skin of his neck being pulled with that "loose" hair my wife just had to pull.
"I just did, sir" would have been a perfectly acceptable response as well.
A twist on the “are you pregnant” stories... new neighbors moved in and the wife was a bit chunky. I met them first and in the discussion they shared a lot. Something about a pregnancy came up (probably said she was pregnant during an earlier move or something like that... I’m a bad listener). Later that night I told my wife I met the new neighbors and that the wife is pregnant. So the next day when my wife met them she asks “when is your due date?” She was pissed at me for a week 
I would think that would be obvious. Particularly with a complete stranger. But judging by this thread apparently not.
Very similar story, but it was a funeral procession. I still cringe at the thought.
I honestly cannot think of one such example... probably means I did it but was oblivious to it/didn't think twice about it.
Have a couple...
1 - Working the door at a bar, when a couple of girls came in. One said to the other that she would take care of the cover charge and the friend could get the first round of drinks. That's when I said "Oh man... you just got raped... cover charge doesn't start for 10 minutes." Ugh. Couldn't stop my self. Felt so bad, that not only did I apologize profusely, but I bought them drinks.
2 - Beach week in Long Island and on a rainy day, we were going to have the kids do some "beach crafts" like painting faces on shells and rocks etc, so I ran to the "everything store". I went up to the craft supply area and an older woman with her back to me was restocking some items. I asked her if they had "Googly eyes" ... when she turned around I saw that she was severely cross eyed... Ugh.
3 - Ran into a friend from high school that I had seen in years. Commented to him that he looked like his dog just died. That's when he responded, "uh no... my dad died this morning". Ugh...
1 - Working the door at a bar, when a couple of girls came in. One said to the other that she would take care of the cover charge and the friend could get the first round of drinks. That's when I said "Oh man... you just got raped... cover charge doesn't start for 10 minutes." Ugh. Couldn't stop my self. Felt so bad, that not only did I apologize profusely, but I bought them drinks.
2 - Beach week in Long Island and on a rainy day, we were going to have the kids do some "beach crafts" like painting faces on shells and rocks etc, so I ran to the "everything store". I went up to the craft supply area and an older woman with her back to me was restocking some items. I asked her if they had "Googly eyes" ... when she turned around I saw that she was severely cross eyed... Ugh.
3 - Ran into a friend from high school that I had seen in years. Commented to him that he looked like his dog just died. That's when he responded, "uh no... my dad died this morning". Ugh...
Ran into an old Sgt in NJSP that used to be a PIA at Holmdel correcting reports. It was at the DD in Wall Twsp.
He would red pen and complain about the wording of the report. Took about an hour to type each DWI reports with 4 carbons. Naturally the red pen, made you start all over. Asked him what was the problem. "You might be writing my friends." (He as an alkie, for sure.) So I asked off his shift.
"Hey Sgt, I thought you were Dead !"
He would red pen and complain about the wording of the report. Took about an hour to type each DWI reports with 4 carbons. Naturally the red pen, made you start all over. Asked him what was the problem. "You might be writing my friends." (He as an alkie, for sure.) So I asked off his shift.
"Hey Sgt, I thought you were Dead !"
1. Years ago, my sister's boyfriend joined the family at dinner at a local restaurant at Christmastime. I commented during dinner that the restaurant's Christmas decorations were tacky. Unbeknownst to me, my sister's boyfriend had a side business installing holiday decorations for small businesses and this restaurant was one of his clients. Luckily, she eventually married another dude so I don't have to relive that story every year.
2. As a young attorney at a big law firm, I stayed at the office late one night having drinks in a conference room with a variety of other attorneys, including the firm's managing partner. The managing partner had several drinks and started telling old stories about the firm. During one story, he got up and pranced around, mimicking a former secretary in a very feminine way. I said (a few drinks in myself), "You sure look natural prancing around like a girl". He just looked at me funny and went on to the next story. A slightly more senior attorney told me later that evening that the managing partner was gay, which I obviously hadn't known. Luckily, I kept my job.
2. As a young attorney at a big law firm, I stayed at the office late one night having drinks in a conference room with a variety of other attorneys, including the firm's managing partner. The managing partner had several drinks and started telling old stories about the firm. During one story, he got up and pranced around, mimicking a former secretary in a very feminine way. I said (a few drinks in myself), "You sure look natural prancing around like a girl". He just looked at me funny and went on to the next story. A slightly more senior attorney told me later that evening that the managing partner was gay, which I obviously hadn't known. Luckily, I kept my job.
My ex BIL/SIL through my ex wife. It was her sister. Well, he and I got along great. During one drunk round of golf he was telling me the story of meeting my SIL. He told me that he would always go to the same bank and go through the drivethrough because he would always have his dog with him so he couldnt go inside and usually, Wed afternoons, there was always a pretty cute blonde that worked the drive through. So, this one Wed...he put a note in with his deposit asking the girl for her number and how he thought she was beautiful and wanted to take her to dinner. Drives away and gets a call about an hour later...Girl from the bank- but it didn't sound like the girl who was usually there. In his nerves, he had tried not to look at the window and it was one that was two cars over with the tube- the girl he liked, happened to have called in that day. So- he had no clue what girl got his note and called him. Until she showed up for the date. Lucky for him, she was still good looking...Well, here is the foot in mouth- One day, SIL was telling this stories to friends at a BBQ and of course we are all many drinks in- she gets to the part about him sending this really cute note through the drivethrough and how flattered she was that he had even noticed her before- and my drunk self- inturupts " And the funny part of the story, he thought it was a different girl he was sending the note too, he had never seen you until you showed up at the date" - I swear, I had thought he had already told her about that mixup that worked out even better- at this time, they were married with their first kid.
The dead silence when I made my comment made my gut hit the floor- my BIL was staring at me wishing the words would go back in my mouth and his wife was not laughing anymore and staring at him and my wife just starting laughing her *** off as she never heard the "real" story before, just her sisters romantic version.
The dead silence when I made my comment made my gut hit the floor- my BIL was staring at me wishing the words would go back in my mouth and his wife was not laughing anymore and staring at him and my wife just starting laughing her *** off as she never heard the "real" story before, just her sisters romantic version.
Many years ago (like 1995), a sales guy for my company and I were having dinner with two gents from a prospective client. The dinner was at our hotel. They were working for the US subsidiary of a Canadian firm and they were both from Winnipeg.
One of the men had a prosthetic hand.
They were telling stories about how cold it gets where they are from. According to them, it could get so cold that if you slammed your car trunk, the pant might crack and chip. And we laughed.
So, the sales guy added (God knows what possessed him to do this) "Yea...it's so cold that your hand gets stuck to the trunk and it rips your hand off when you slam it."
There was a half-second pause and we all pretended nothing ever happened.
An hour or so later, we finished dinner, said goodnight and they got on the elevator to parking. The SECOND the elevator doors shut on them, we both burst out laughing.
One of the men had a prosthetic hand.
They were telling stories about how cold it gets where they are from. According to them, it could get so cold that if you slammed your car trunk, the pant might crack and chip. And we laughed.
So, the sales guy added (God knows what possessed him to do this) "Yea...it's so cold that your hand gets stuck to the trunk and it rips your hand off when you slam it."
There was a half-second pause and we all pretended nothing ever happened.
An hour or so later, we finished dinner, said goodnight and they got on the elevator to parking. The SECOND the elevator doors shut on them, we both burst out laughing.
Remembered another one: I moved to a new town and started at a new school when I was 13. In one class at the new school was this kid with a face that made him look like he had developmental problems; I mean, this was one weird-looking dude. I asked the kid next to me if that dude was retarded. Turns out the two were good friends. I ended up pretty friendly with both eventually.
Did that as a boy just after I learned a little about how babies were made. Never made that mistake again.
Many years ago, when I was just a teenager, I was working at an amusement park food concession stand. Lines would be long and we were always trying to work quickly. The manager/owner would sometimes work the register next to me and if a customer was slow to tell him what they wanted he would tersely say to them “Speak to me”.
It was near the end of the summer and of a long workday and a teenage couple came up to order from me. He was taking a long while. So - for the very first time that I said it to anyone - I grunted, “speak to me”. It was then that she told me that he was her brother and he was a deaf mute. I felt like crap. But I learned a lesson that I never forgot and I’ve got no incidents from my adult years to share.
It was near the end of the summer and of a long workday and a teenage couple came up to order from me. He was taking a long while. So - for the very first time that I said it to anyone - I grunted, “speak to me”. It was then that she told me that he was her brother and he was a deaf mute. I felt like crap. But I learned a lesson that I never forgot and I’ve got no incidents from my adult years to share.
Your dinner/xmas light story did jog my memory... earlier I said I couldn't think of any..
1) first dinner out with college GFs folks.. they asked what classes I was taking.. I just went down the list..
- 2 computer classes
- math class
- an english class
- human sexuality.... ohhh...
2) picking up a different girl at her house.. she's upstairs getting ready.. I am in the kitchen with her Mom.. she asks me if I think we'll be late... I enthusiastically say.. "Oh yeah..."
awkward! but do give painfully honest answers without thinking fairly often.. I tend not to care too much..
I sarcastically told this guy I couldn't wait to speak at his funeral. A little later my brother calls me an idiot and says the guy's been battling cancer for a decade.
He was a lovely guy and figured I had no idea. Which I didn't. Still sucks thinking about it.
He was a lovely guy and figured I had no idea. Which I didn't. Still sucks thinking about it.
Not mine, but I was standing there... after my father died, we had the repast at our house. Close friend of ours was devouring some home made fried chicken and then said, "oh man.. .this chicken is to die for..." She was mortified until I started to laugh and said, "yeah, I guess so..."
I once asked a good friend how his dad was doing.
I was a pallbearer at his dads funeral 15 years before that
I was a pallbearer at his dads funeral 15 years before that
Age is one I've remarked on and was always waayyy off.
Yesterday...to the painter.. Me- "Yes, you're younger than my dad... what are you late 60s?"
Painter- "No, I just turned 56."
Not a huge deal, but I felt stupid.
This is what happens when the face is covered and all I can base it on is the top half and crows feet. Lol
Yesterday...to the painter.. Me- "Yes, you're younger than my dad... what are you late 60s?"
Painter- "No, I just turned 56."
Not a huge deal, but I felt stupid.
This is what happens when the face is covered and all I can base it on is the top half and crows feet. Lol
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My office was on second floor right next to stairs and across hall from small 6 person elevator. I always walked down. One night as I’m leaving to of our secretaries are getting on elevator and tell me come down with them. I get on and one asks me if I don’t take the elevator because I’m afraid it will get stuck. My reply no the elevator would only break if someone jumped up and down like this as I proceed to jump. Took about an hour for them to get us out. One lady had a major panic attack when the elevator got stuck.
Guilty as charged (I knew the mom as our kids went to daycare together) and I took it one step further and said "Come on, sure you are laughing" never again is right!
Reminds me of a guy I worked with in the city. He got into an elevator and it dropped about 5-6 floors on him before one of the safeties kicked in to stop the free fall. So he is telling this to us that afternoon. We all knew the bldg it happened in. He is getting all worked up retelling the event and all he could think of was his son as he was dropping. He takes a short break in the story and I asked if they were going to have to clean the ceiling or his shorts. I thought it was funny and everyone else is laughing. But we didn’t realized just how traumatized he was, he thought I was a complete ******* to make a joke. I think it took at least 3 weeks before he would talk to me.
I was in a car repair shop waiting for my name to be called so the I could find out what was wrong with my vehicle. The woman who was working at the counter called over a customer to tell him that his car had failed inspection. She read off the list of things that the mechanic said were were wrong with his car. After a few minutes of conversation, I heard the guy awkwardly say "So, do you want to go with me to a movie or something?" The woman answer, "Sorry, I already have a boyfriend." The guy looks embarrassed and says "Really?" The woman responded "Yes, he is the one who failed your car."
Scarlet Jerry
Scarlet Jerry
If this was in NJ, I would have laughed at him. You have to be driving a real junker or just be lazy or broke for your car to fail an inspection in NJ...and he is asking a chic out that knows this lol