OT: Open Foot, Insert Mouth

[Nowucme]

Time to laugh at ourselves a little. Unless you possess the savior faire of a David Niven (and we both know you don’t), we’ve all done it at one time or another. In my case I have many to choose from but I’ll go with a classic.

I knew very casually this guy Jerry who I would bump into from time to time, but I knew nothing of his personal life, like if he was married or had kids and so forth. Our conversations were more like, “hey how about those Yankees” and stuff like that.
One day I see him and he is with a woman who I can only charitably describe as old and haggard. (You can see this one coming). So of course I blurt out “so Jerry, is this your mother?” In that millisecond from the words leaving my mouth to her ears I knew I had, let’s say not gotten that right. She screams at me, HIS MOTHER?? I’M HIS WIFE!!!. I manage to muster this feeble laugh and say, “ha ha just kidding “ (It was patently obvious I wasn’t) and then beat a hasty retreat.

So what was yours? And if in fact you’ve never done it I’ll accept the time you, ahem, um overheard “your friend) do it.

 

[HeavenUniv.]

Was on a long, slow elevator ride with one other person-a not ugly and not fat looking woman, except for her stomach . Trying to be friendly, I asked her when she was due and if she wanted a boy or a girl ? She didnt get mad or even give me a dirty look as she told me she wasn’t pregnant. At that point, only had a few floors to go. Thankfully

 

[RutHut_rivals]

Was on a long, slow elevator ride with one other person-a not ugly and not fat looking woman, except for her stomach . Trying to be friendly, I asked her when she was due and if she wanted a boy or a girl ? She didnt get mad or even give me a dirty look as she told me she wasn’t pregnant. At that point, only had a few floors to go. Thankfully

I have also done this. Never again.

 

[mdk02]

When I was working in Manhattan the building elevator was right by the stairs. One time while I was waiting on the 1st floor for it to arrive it stopped at 2. I muttered "Christ, someone can't walk down one flight of stairs?" The elevator arrived, the door opened and a single passenger using crutches walked out.

 

[RU Mike73]

Was approaching the elevator bank near my 18th floor office at about 3:00 in the afternoon. A buddy coming the other way to get on elevator. I blurt our "cutting out early again?" His response, "no I've just been terminated." Ouch.

 

[RutHut_rivals]

I'm the type to ask the OP if he's dyslexic, only to find out that he is.

 

[RutgersRaRa]

I'm the type to ask the OP if he's dyslexic, only to find out that he is.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!!

 

[Nowucme]

I'm the type to ask the OP if he's dyslexic, only to find out that he is.

Ha ha excellent post. For the record I’m not, that was my admittedly feeble attempt at wordplay considering the subject matter

 

[wheezer]

Time to laugh at ourselves a little. Unless you possess the savior faire of a David Niven (and we both know you don’t), we’ve all done it at one time or another. In my case I have many to choose from but I’ll go with a classic.

I knew very casually this guy Jerry who I would bump into from time to time, but I knew nothing of his personal life, like if he was married or had kids and so forth. Our conversations were more like, “hey how about those Yankees” and stuff like that.
One day I see him and he is with a woman who I can only charitably describe as old and haggard. (You can see this one coming). So of course I blurt out “so Jerry, is this your mother?” In that millisecond from the words leaving my mouth to her ears I knew I had, let’s say not gotten that right. She screams at me, HIS MOTHER?? I’M HIS WIFE!!!. I manage to muster this feeble laugh and say, “ha ha just kidding “ (It was patently obvious I wasn’t) and then beat a hasty retreat.

So what was yours? And if in fact you’ve never done it I’ll accept the time you, ahem, um overheard “your friend) do it.

and...................there is no coming back from that one

 

[Scarlet Engineer]

I had just started a new job and met the CEO as I was about to leave the men’s room and he was entering. He welcomed me to the firm and said “get it done!” encouragingly as we parted. Without thinking I instinctively said “you too” as he walked into the stall.

 

[Plum Street]

About 20 years ago wife and I were at happy hour in Huntington Beach, california . We were talking to another bar patron who was with his girlfiend . He was telling me how he quit his corporate job , moved to California with his life savings to start a bag business because those plastic bags in stores will eventually be banned or discontinued . I told him that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and almost laughed him out of the bar .
The guy was about to cry ! Well, I hope he didn’t listen to me !

 

[yesrutgers01]

A little road rage when I was younger...stuck behind this car forever without a lane to pass that was always at least 10 mph under the speed limit and hitting brakes non stop. Finally, a lane opens to pass- I floor it- pissed off after 20 mins of this ****- leaned over to the passenger window- middle finger out and a good loud MF'er, only to see a little old Nun driving...

 

[MadRU]

A little road rage when I was younger...stuck behind this car forever without a lane to pass that was always at least 10 mph under the speed limit and hitting brakes non stop. Finally, a lane opens to pass- I floor it- pissed off after 20 mins of this ****- leaned over to the passenger window- middle finger out and a good loud MF'er, only to see a little old Nun driving...

Similar experience, was about to enter the toll booth in Elizabeth for the turnpike. A vehicle comes flying from my right side and cuts me off to get in front of me. I make all kind of hand gestures and yelled some choice words, obviously they couldn’t hear me at this point. The vehicle goes thru the toll booth and proceeds to do a u-turn. So now the driver is facing me , I give a few more hand gestures and words only to see it’s Lawrence Taylor who is just laughing at me.

 

[koleszar]

Had a customer we were shooting the breeze about a concrete pool deck for his house. Somehow this contractor Carlos Pavers comes up in the conversation(guys really a hack, but lowt prices).

I'm going on and on about how bad his work is, even brought up how another contractor had to rip his work out cause his guys fvcked it up so bad. He finally says to me, we just used him for my mother-in-laws house.

My face just dropped, I had nothing and the pit of my stomach curled up. I just blurted out, "I guess you don't like your mother-in-law". He didn't find it funny, needless to say I didn't get that job and was glad I didn't.

 

[hankee18]

Not me but a new neighbor moved into our condo complex a few years ago. She bought a first floor unit - upstairs was a young woman, presumably with a boyfriend that stayed over occasuonally.

Well when new neighbor finally meets upstairs neighbor she casually mentions how well the place is built but she can hear upstairs neighbor running on her treadmill in the morning

Upstairs neighbor: "I dont own a treadmill..."

 

[Knight Owl]

Was on a long, slow elevator ride with one other person-a not ugly and not fat looking woman, except for her stomach . Trying to be friendly, I asked her when she was due and if she wanted a boy or a girl ? She didnt get mad or even give me a dirty look as she told me she wasn’t pregnant. At that point, only had a few floors to go. Thankfully

I’ve done this...with a coworker and not on an elevator lol

 

[RUPsyched]

It was a rainy day during summer session at Rutgers back in 84. After a little studying I decided to walk the dorm halls and stretch a little. As I enter the floor lounge, I notice this cute girl sitting alone at a table studying. So I walk over to one of the lounge windows, pull back the curtain a little bit and proceed to say one of the dumbest lines ever spoken in the annals of human history. That line was......."Gee. It's raining cats and dogs out there."

Long story short, the girl was as nice and forgiving as she was cute. We had a relationship for a few years.

 

[TM94goRU]

I had a job in college in men's wear in a K-mart. Now one of the reasons the Big K is much smaller if around at all anymore is because of the barebones staffing. I was left basically with half the store.
In comes this old couple, they ask me for rubber thongs. Now, I know what they mean now, not then. I say follow me and walk them to the lingerie. department, thinking the whole time these geezers are kinky. Lol
Other than that, it can be hard to tell little kids based on hair length. Let's just say after a few mistakes I stopped guessing, .

 

[RUBlackout]

Was on a long, slow elevator ride with one other person-a not ugly and not fat looking woman, except for her stomach . Trying to be friendly, I asked her when she was due and if she wanted a boy or a girl ? She didnt get mad or even give me a dirty look as she told me she wasn’t pregnant. At that point, only had a few floors to go. Thankfully

Same here

 

[RU76]

That is why you always ask if thatbis his daughter
You will never be wrong.

 

[RuBird]

I had just been transferred to another branch to manage that bank. . Went into my old branch the following Saturday To catch up. 12 o clock comes and my asst. manager (who now took over for me) was too busy to lock the door so she gave the keys to a customer to lock the door (he was well known to her). Besides him, there is only a little old lady in the branch. Now there is a person pounding on the door. The well known customer starts with the “This is ridiculous, come to the branch earlier comments” to the man at the door. Of course we laugh and agree. Finally the old lady gets ready to leave and the customer goes to let her out. Old lady proceeds to tell us that was her son pounding on the door.

 

[hankee18]

Same here

I've also had the opposite experience. Manager I deal with weekly tells me shes going away for a few weeks the assistant will be covering things.

I stupidly say oh vacation or something to that effect and she goes no I'm pregnant and due

Shes so heavy I never even noticed

 

[RutgersRaRa]

I used to co-own a business in which there were many women in the baby-making stages of life (it was a large dance studio), and there were always babies and toddlers and pregnant women around me. One day a mother I'd known for several years as a client comes into the lobby, and we start talking. I casually asked her, "When are you due?"

She was holding the baby.

 

[BigWill]

Standing on the 6th Floor (Men's furnishings) at Saks Fifth Ave doing a traffic count to see how many people got off the elevator at the 6th Floor. I had a counter in my pocket and leaning against the wall opposite the elevator bank. Bored out of my mind.
Lady gets off the elevator, I click her silently.

She comes up to me and starts to feel the fabric of my suit.

"Madame, please do not feel me up."

She almost had a heart attack.

 

[yesrutgers01]

I’ve done this...with a coworker and not on an elevator lol

I assume a co worker you hadn’t seen in a while?

 

[Purple-Ed]

Ah, the old foot in mouth - also known as sole food.

 

[Knight Owl]

I assume a co worker you hadn’t seen in a while?

She worked on a different floor and I hadn’t seen her sitting down before.

 

[mildone_rivals]

I have also done this. Never again.

Me too. Onky once. Managed to bite my tongue every other time I was about to offer congratulations for decades.

 

[yesrutgers01]

Back when I was 18 or 19...I was working and sharing an apartment with friends. We had a pretty big party and one of our good friends, female, brings this tall black hair blue eyes, freckled Irish girl. We all were just chatting with her but never really hit on her. But a few weeks later, our friend was going up to “Eileen’s” college and wanted to know if we all wanted to join her. There were 4 of us guys. We didn’t tell the friend but us guys had a bet on who could hook up with this girl.
well, I won the bet but then it happens we date for about a year. This is where foot went into mouth. About 6 months of dating and now very comfortable together- I thought she would be flattered to find out we all thought she was so hot that we made that bet on her..,
Like I said, I was only 18 or so at the time...She was so pissed off and embarrassed, we broke up for a good month. Didn’t last too much longer after that either...

 

[[email protected]]

Time to laugh at ourselves a little. Unless you possess the savior faire of a David Niven (and we both know you don’t), we’ve all done it at one time or another. In my case I have many to choose from but I’ll go with a classic.

I knew very casually this guy Jerry who I would bump into from time to time, but I knew nothing of his personal life, like if he was married or had kids and so forth. Our conversations were more like, “hey how about those Yankees” and stuff like that.
One day I see him and he is with a woman who I can only charitably describe as old and haggard. (You can see this one coming). So of course I blurt out “so Jerry, is this your mother?” In that millisecond from the words leaving my mouth to her ears I knew I had, let’s say not gotten that right. She screams at me, HIS MOTHER?? I’M HIS WIFE!!!. I manage to muster this feeble laugh and say, “ha ha just kidding “ (It was patently obvious I wasn’t) and then beat a hasty retreat.

So what was yours? And if in fact you’ve never done it I’ll accept the time you, ahem, um overheard “your friend) do it.

About 40 years ago we moved into our first house. i was mowing the front lawn (Garden Grove, CA- 2 miles south of Disneyland) replete with street noises and my gas powered mower. Our next door neighbor and wife came out in the middle of my mowing and starting talking to me.

I couldn't hear what he was saying and finally stopped the mower and asked if he'd mind speaking a little louder.

Turns out he had been treated for cancer of the throat... and after the laryngectomy was using a voice box to be heard.

MO
PS I think everyone (male and female) has asked a slightly overweight woman when she's due...I've cancelled that observation.

 

[BigRnj]

About 20 years ago wife and I were at happy hour in Huntington Beach, california . We were talking to another bar patron who was with his girlfiend . He was telling me how he quit his corporate job , moved to California with his life savings to start a bag business because those plastic bags in stores will eventually be banned or discontinued . I told him that was the stupidest thing I have ever heard and almost laughed him out of the bar .
The guy was about to cry ! Well, I hope he didn’t listen to me !

He wasn’t Jerry from the OP, you know the guy with the haggard looking old BAG for a wife?

 

[ChasRC69]

I have also done this. Never again.

So have I.

 

[anon_ivydyf0amkzay]

Wow so straight men like asking seemingly pregnant women if they are...well pregnant! This would seem like an obvious no-no! Clearly, per this thread, NOT the case! Fascinating!

I certainly hope you refrain from “that time of the month” type questions

 

[mildone_rivals]

A little road rage when I was younger...stuck behind this car forever without a lane to pass that was always at least 10 mph under the speed limit and hitting brakes non stop. Finally, a lane opens to pass- I floor it- pissed off after 20 mins of this ****- leaned over to the passenger window- middle finger out and a good loud MF'er, only to see a little old Nun driving...

Would‘ve been even better if she had flipped you the bird back.

 

[RW90]

Years ago we attended the wake for a distant relative on my wife's side. After the viewing, we were walking back to the car and my wife's great aunt was telling us how she flubbed her condolences to the deceased family member.

She told us she meant to say something like "what a tragedy" to the grieving, but somehow instead muttered "its a miracle!". She felt awful in the moment but relaying her story after about the looks she got, she had us in stitches the entire ride home from the funeral parlor.

 

[RU848789]

So have I.

I almost did it once, but my girlfriend (now wife) saved me. We were at a party and I mentioned that her friend looked pregnant and that maybe we should ask and find out and she nearly took my head off saying, don't you ever, ever, ever ask a woman if she's pregnant - you wait for that information to be volunteered. I took that to heart.

For an embarrassing moment, when I was a sophomore at RU, I was at a frat party and I eyed this girl who I thought was pretty cute, so I went up to her and said "you should be dancing" as my invitation to her to dance. She said I was right and proceeded to ask the guy next to her to dance. Ouch.

 

[cohwx]

Some good ones here.

When we lived in Virginia I had contacted a contractor to come out and give us an estimate for some work on the house. He called me to say he was on his way. I asked where he was so I had an idea how long it would take. He was in a town called Midlothian.

So he says "I'm in Mid-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-thian."

Somewhow I had some kind of momentary brain failure and thought he was joking around. So I said back to him:

"Oh, so you're in Mid-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-thian?"

Somehow it didn't click...until he showed up at the house 20 minutes later and said "Hi, I'm Gr-gr-gr-gr-greg." Yep, he had a really bad stuttering problem. Almost every sentence had a word like that.

Felt like crawling under a rock. But he never said anything about it and I never did either. Don't know if he thought I was a complete *** or what, but we wound up hiring him and he did a good job. I suspect he may have overcharged us a bit but figured that was reasonable considering.

 

[WhichReligionIsRight]

I have also done this. Never again.

I witnessed someone make that mistake and vowed in that moment to never ask a women is she is pregnant.

 

[daveo13]

Wasn’t me who did it but my family and I were at church many years ago and we had the by the book priest who was very strict. Anyway he starting freaking out because a parishioner was on their phone, calling the guy out In front of the entire church not to be on his phone. the guy yelled back I am calling 911, one of the parishioners was having a heart attack.

 

[RAC’emUp]

Was in an English class at RU (Douglass actually) circa 1980 and the professor called on a particular student as follows: “Sir”. To which she calmly responded:”Mam”. The amazing part about it was the professor, who was also a poet, explained his word choice away so smoothly that he was almost believable. Something about the various meanings of the word sir.