OT: Breakthrough Case Scare
- Thread starter Jeffreauxdawg
- Start date
I always thought I was an exceptionally thorough wiper then my wife bought white towels and I’m horrified
This is the funniest thing I have ever read.
The Worst Private Plane Trip of All Time
https://johnlefevre.medium.com/the-...t-private-plane-trip-of-all-time-3eb88ab42b18
The Worst Private Plane Trip of All Time
https://johnlefevre.medium.com/the-...t-private-plane-trip-of-all-time-3eb88ab42b18
I love Popeye's Spicy Fried Chicken. It gives me until next morning, but when my feet hit the floor they better be going to the bathroom.
Favorite story: Was out on the job and ran into a pipefitter I knew. His eyes were totally red, classic hangover. He was single and had been out drinking all weekend. Spent a lot of his time at his favorite place that had a huge jug of pickled pigs feet. Sunday afternoon he figured he would go home, which was far out in the country. Decided he would stop in for one last beer at this honkey-tonk in a very small building that a whole bunch of years ago had been a gas station. Still had the one-holer in a small leanto shed attached to the side. All of a sudden he had to go. Bad. Took off running out the door, undoing his pants as he ran. Got to the door, pulled his pants down, did a 180 spin, sat down and started shitting, all at the same time. His bad luck was he was sitting in the lap of a man who was already there. Covered him up. Man started swinging roundhouses to both sides of his head, screaming and cussing. My friend was through in about 5 seconds then just jumped up and hauled *** to his truck. Never knew who the other guy was.
Favorite story: Was out on the job and ran into a pipefitter I knew. His eyes were totally red, classic hangover. He was single and had been out drinking all weekend. Spent a lot of his time at his favorite place that had a huge jug of pickled pigs feet. Sunday afternoon he figured he would go home, which was far out in the country. Decided he would stop in for one last beer at this honkey-tonk in a very small building that a whole bunch of years ago had been a gas station. Still had the one-holer in a small leanto shed attached to the side. All of a sudden he had to go. Bad. Took off running out the door, undoing his pants as he ran. Got to the door, pulled his pants down, did a 180 spin, sat down and started shitting, all at the same time. His bad luck was he was sitting in the lap of a man who was already there. Covered him up. Man started swinging roundhouses to both sides of his head, screaming and cussing. My friend was through in about 5 seconds then just jumped up and hauled *** to his truck. Never knew who the other guy was.
I'm cheap. I dip the toilet paper under the faucet real fast. Works great, but sometimes after I dry off for a few hours, I have to go back in with the lint roller to get after the dingleberries if the TP was too wet. It can get painful.
I would be more inclined to believe what you are saying if you if you were talking about something you had some expertise and training in, like Friday Fourplay.
Heard it, never actually read it. This may be the best line ever written.
"I imagine some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the viciously soiled remains of his once beautiful creation."
"I imagine some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the viciously soiled remains of his once beautiful creation."
I've done it myself but this is a dangerous game, not for the feint of heart.
I had a friend who got really drunk at F. Jones Corner in Jackson one night after having a million beers and a burger smothered in pulled pork. He gets home at like 5am and is so drunk that he can barely walk, but he has to take a massive ****. He runs to his bathroom and plops on the toilet and lets it rip. But something is horribly wrong. He feels this strange sensation and realizes that his *** has some sort of bizarre blockage that will not allow the **** to leave his body. Then he jumps up in horror and spins around, and the previously blocked up **** starts spraying the bathroom like a water sprinkler. As it turns out, for some unknown reason, the lid of the toilet was down, and he'd forgotten to raise it. Well, he tries to clean up and stumbles to bed. He wakes up at 10am and goes to the bathroom and there's still **** everywhere. This is particularly bad because his roommate (who he shares the bathroom with) is an attorney and it's Friday morning, so he was fully exposed to the horror. Unfortunately, my friend is still drunk and can barely clean up after himself. He goes back to sleep. He later gets a text from his other roommate (who owns the house) that everything is cool but please clean up his (literal) ****. By mid-afternoon he eventually is sober enough to clean everything. The attorney was fortunately out of town for the weekend without telling anyone. But then the roommate who owns the house comes home. He asks about the night before, and my friend tells him that it was pretty wild and that he's never drinking again and that he feels awful. Then the roommate says, "Well, I wasn't expecting to wake up to a girl on the couch this morning." Yes. That's right. My friend was so drunk that he did not remember bringing home a girl from the bar then proceeding to **** all over the only bathroom she had access to. It remains unknown whether she's aware of what happened that night as they haven't spoken since.
You messed up not going to the Hampton Inn next to the Walmart. As Joe said any respectable hotel chain should be your 1st option. Your 2nd option is the courthouse or city hall. If you're in a small southern town that has no respectable hotel then head to the courthouse. They're usually not crowded, They're old, well built with thick walls so nothing is usually heard, they're usually downstairs or at the end of the hall making them out of the way and quiet, they're clean and always well stocked with tissue.
ETA: the city library is your 3rd option.
ETA: the city library is your 3rd option.
I can literally sit on the toilet and eat a salad and **** lettuce at the same time.
In military circles I've heard the term fleshlight for many years, but was not 100% sure of what it was, so i googled it just to be sure. Now instead of my usual ads for hunting, 4x4 and SxS accessories, I'm getting ads for sex toys.
Back during the TP shortage I bought the bidet attachment for the toilet. Best purchase ever.
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Since everyone is sharing their ****** stories - here is my addition.
Mid level at The Stage in Nashville has two urinals and a stall. However, the stall does not have a door...
Sometimes **** happens at 1:30am and you have no other options. You make a lot of friends and mortal enemies at the same time in doorless stalls.
Mid level at The Stage in Nashville has two urinals and a stall. However, the stall does not have a door...
Sometimes **** happens at 1:30am and you have no other options. You make a lot of friends and mortal enemies at the same time in doorless stalls.
Piece of advice: always **** with the shirt off, helps things flow better.
I've had a three piece suit on before and have taken everything above the belt off.
I've had a three piece suit on before and have taken everything above the belt off.
Shat myself at a Pearl Jam concert. The combo of keg beer, pizza, pork, and cheese dip all weekend finally caught up to me. Felt it coming mid show but thought I could hold it off till the end as I didn't want to use a portalet drunk in the dark. Missed the last 2 songs and encore. Had an extremely uncomfortable walk home of about a mile or so. Thank goodness it was nighttime. Get to the house and feel a sigh of relief cause I've managed to avoid detection, open the door and one of my roommates has company over. Didn't say a word, no eye contact, looked down at the floor and walked backwards to the bathroom. Hopped straight in the shower then went to bed. As far as I know no one knew.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve come back to the camp house going commando because a good knife and boxer shorts in the woods is way better than using nature’s toilet paper from the forest floor. It takes a bit of skill and balance to cut them off after squatting because I’ll be damned if I strip boots and all to pull them off first.
Bonus points for just cutting only a few squares from said boxers and then tossing them in the laundry to surprise your wife the following week. Yes, she thinks I’m a heathen.
Bonus points for just cutting only a few squares from said boxers and then tossing them in the laundry to surprise your wife the following week. Yes, she thinks I’m a heathen.
Keep a small pack of the unscented wet wipes in your hunting bag. Life and underwear saver.
I saw this thread yesterday and forgot to post my Tiger Stadium story. So obviously I"m a Dawg in Tiger country and every year I would take my kids to the Tiger Stadium campout. Yes it's LSU, but the kids loved it...got to spend the night on the field "IN TENTS" and play games, etc. Every year they have a local restaurant cater the event. So this one year we had a local Mexican joint cater (not going to name names). They served ground beef and chicken taco's with some other stuff. We eat, play, watch a movie on the jumbotron then lights out at 11:00. Well, I wake up the next morning and have to **** like no other time in my life. So I gingerly climb out of the tent and try to find a bathroom. Turns out, that year they were in the middle of remodeling all bathrooms in the stadium. And when I say renovating I mean they were completely gutted. They set up a trailer port-a-john and so I am heading for it. I round the corner and see the line is about 50 deep....at 6:30am. I thought this was odd but I knew I couldn't wait that long. I tip toe back to the tent to try and pack up to leave and maybe go somewhere else. I get to the tent and have to start doing breathing treatments to keep from shatting right then and there. I tried packing up but this is rolling by now. So I did what any red-blooded American would do...I broke thru the caution tape in one of the renovated bathrooms and took a giant **** right there in Tiger Stadium. Left underwear behind and headed for the gates.
Turns out, anyone who ate the ground beef the night before had food poisoning. Hence, the line for one toilet at 6:30am being a mile long, yet no one really knew at the time. I honestly thought I was gonna **** right there on the 50 yard line. One of the worst feelings in the world! But I love telling the Tigers I **** on their floor.
Turns out, anyone who ate the ground beef the night before had food poisoning. Hence, the line for one toilet at 6:30am being a mile long, yet no one really knew at the time. I honestly thought I was gonna **** right there on the 50 yard line. One of the worst feelings in the world! But I love telling the Tigers I **** on their floor.
