Joke Thread
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Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ” The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
You can sleep with a light on.
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
It's so hot here in North Carolina and I'm sweating like Guru Gary at a spelling bee
This guy was walking down the beach and noticed some kind of small lamp/kettle sticking out of the sand. He picked it up and saw some writing behind the sand. He rubbed it off, a cloud of smoke come spewing out of the spout, and a genie appeared.
The genie said "you have released me and for this I'll grant you one wish!" The man thought for a second, then said "I want to live forever and not age." The genie replied "that's impossible. I can't let someone live forever, come up with another wish."
The man said "ok then I want to live until the Tar Heel fans get their heads out of their asses." The genie looked at him, shook his head and said "You crafty bastard"
The genie said "you have released me and for this I'll grant you one wish!" The man thought for a second, then said "I want to live forever and not age." The genie replied "that's impossible. I can't let someone live forever, come up with another wish."
The man said "ok then I want to live until the Tar Heel fans get their heads out of their asses." The genie looked at him, shook his head and said "You crafty bastard"
A wife who was feeling romantic sent her husband a text saying. " If you are laughing send me a smile. If your are eating send me a bit, if you are crying send me a tear, if your are drinking send me a sip." He replied " I'm on the toilet, please advise. " OFC
Dude knocks on a farmer's door. The farmer comes out, says, "May I help you?"
"Well, it's actually I who may help you," says the man. "You see, I am able to communicate with animals, then translate what they said for you."
"Huh. I'd like to see that," says the farmer.
"If you'd be so kind as to point me the way, I'll talk to some animals, then report back to you later."
Several hours later, the man catches up with the farmer.
"Well, I learned some pretty interesting things from your animals," the man says. "The chickens, for example, tell me things are pretty good, but that their coop could use a little better ventilation to help with the smell and the heat."
"Huh. Yeah, that seems reasonable. I can do that. What else did they tell you?"
"Well, next I went over to the cow, and she said your hands are awful cold when you milk her in the morning."
"Hmm... I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble to rub them together a bit before I start milking her," replied the farmer. "What else?"
"Well, then I went on over to the north pasture and talked to the sheep-"
"THAT SHEEP IS A LIAR!!"
"Well, it's actually I who may help you," says the man. "You see, I am able to communicate with animals, then translate what they said for you."
"Huh. I'd like to see that," says the farmer.
"If you'd be so kind as to point me the way, I'll talk to some animals, then report back to you later."
Several hours later, the man catches up with the farmer.
"Well, I learned some pretty interesting things from your animals," the man says. "The chickens, for example, tell me things are pretty good, but that their coop could use a little better ventilation to help with the smell and the heat."
"Huh. Yeah, that seems reasonable. I can do that. What else did they tell you?"
"Well, next I went over to the cow, and she said your hands are awful cold when you milk her in the morning."
"Hmm... I guess it wouldn't be too much trouble to rub them together a bit before I start milking her," replied the farmer. "What else?"
"Well, then I went on over to the north pasture and talked to the sheep-"
"THAT SHEEP IS A LIAR!!"
The farmer wouldn't by chance be Guru Gary-7 would he?
Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, wear a sweater, it’s cold outside’.”
The first man said: “I bought a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, wear a sweater, it’s cold outside’.”
This man and his wife had died and were waiting to get into Heaven. St Peter was at the gates and going down the list with each person. This guy comes up, St Peter tells him that he had such a love for drinking that he married a woman named Brandi, and he wasn't getting in. The next guy was told that his love for money was so bad that he married a woman named Penny, and he was not allowed in either. About 4-5 people back, that guy tapped his wife on the arm and said "let's get on out of her Fannie."
This guy worked at a local hardware store, and one day this fella came in and started chatting with him about this play that he was helping direct. He told the employee, Pete, that one of their casts called out sick and the play started tonight at 7, and he was in a serous bind.
Pete told the guy he had done some acting in school and loved doing it. The director said it was a small speaking part where he would say "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?"
Pete said "No Problem Sir."
He said it back to the director with great emphasis. The director said "Great! and be there a little before 7.
Pete practiced his line over the next few hours, and then drove to the theater and found the director. He said "do you know your line Pete?" With great confidence, Pete said "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" "Ok, you're up. Enter thru the curtain over there!"
Pete said his line to himself one more time, walked thru the curtain and "WAHBOOM!!" Pete jumped, and yelled "What the FU%* was that??!!"
Pete told the guy he had done some acting in school and loved doing it. The director said it was a small speaking part where he would say "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?"
Pete said "No Problem Sir."
He said it back to the director with great emphasis. The director said "Great! and be there a little before 7.
Pete practiced his line over the next few hours, and then drove to the theater and found the director. He said "do you know your line Pete?" With great confidence, Pete said "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?" "Ok, you're up. Enter thru the curtain over there!"
Pete said his line to himself one more time, walked thru the curtain and "WAHBOOM!!" Pete jumped, and yelled "What the FU%* was that??!!"
What does Tom Brady and Bruce Jenner have in common?
They both like to deflate their balls!
They both like to deflate their balls!
A family of tomatoes are walking down a road. One of the little tomatoes falls way behind and the daddy tomato goes back and smashes him and says "catch up." OFC
This couple were married for over 50 years. During their long marriage, they fought all the time. Well the husband died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter was there and said "Herman, you lived a long life. Before we can let you in, you must spell a word, and that word is Love." Herman did and went on in.
About 2 weeks later, his wife passed away. She found herself at the Gates with Herman waiting on her. She said "Herman, I missed you so so much, and after you passed, life meant nothing to me. I'm glad to be back with you honey!"
Herman said "Mildred, good to see you too dear, but before they'll let you in you have to spell a word, and that word is Czechoslovakia."
About 2 weeks later, his wife passed away. She found herself at the Gates with Herman waiting on her. She said "Herman, I missed you so so much, and after you passed, life meant nothing to me. I'm glad to be back with you honey!"
Herman said "Mildred, good to see you too dear, but before they'll let you in you have to spell a word, and that word is Czechoslovakia."
This older lady comes into my shop the other day and tells me there's some strange smell with her car. She couldn't explain what the problem was, so I had one of my techs ride with her.
She pulled out right in front of a tractor trailer truck, then turned right in front of an oncoming car, just missed getting hit. On the way back in, she ran a red light and slammed on the brakes into one of my parking spots.
She said "Smell that, its like this every time someone rides with me?!"
My tech, sat there wide eyed and blurted out, "Smell it! Hell lady I'm sitting in it!!"
She pulled out right in front of a tractor trailer truck, then turned right in front of an oncoming car, just missed getting hit. On the way back in, she ran a red light and slammed on the brakes into one of my parking spots.
She said "Smell that, its like this every time someone rides with me?!"
My tech, sat there wide eyed and blurted out, "Smell it! Hell lady I'm sitting in it!!"
This is hilarious...especially if you're a golfer
I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”
The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”
Two gay friends were playing golf one day. Getting ready to hit from the fairway, a ball came rolling right to where they were standing.
"Hey, act like it hit you in the head. Lay there and I'll tell them it hit you, and we're suing!" He proceeded to lay down on his back, holding his head.
The two guys came riding over the hill and saw the one laying there and the other waving his hands. "Sorry we hit into you guys, thought it was clear."
The one gay guy said "you hit my friend in the head, and we're going to sue you!"
"Man, this is some crap, you can suck my d%#*!"
The fella on the ground popped up and said "So you want to settle out of court??!!"
"Hey, act like it hit you in the head. Lay there and I'll tell them it hit you, and we're suing!" He proceeded to lay down on his back, holding his head.
The two guys came riding over the hill and saw the one laying there and the other waving his hands. "Sorry we hit into you guys, thought it was clear."
The one gay guy said "you hit my friend in the head, and we're going to sue you!"
"Man, this is some crap, you can suck my d%#*!"
The fella on the ground popped up and said "So you want to settle out of court??!!"
My 8-year-old son tried a variation of this joke, substituting "dog" for "fish," but keeping the punchline the same.
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in thecountry?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
f****d a penguin. Dopey f****d a penguin. Dopey f****d a penguin."
and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst
themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up
and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said
the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed
and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves
causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.
Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the city?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay
of the priest.
Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in
the state?"
"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.
The dwarfs continue their interference.
Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in thecountry?"
The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns
in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country,
there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"
Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey
f****d a penguin. Dopey f****d a penguin. Dopey f****d a penguin."
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That's proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That's proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'