From the description above, I envision the grandkids onesie will be a Ghillie suit.
AKB Who lives in an extended family house as a parent or grandparent and do you dig it?
- Thread starter laKavosiey-st lion
- Start date
Maybe I missed it earlier, is this a temporary situation or long term? If long term maybe look for a house/lot that you can build a in law suite onto the existing property?
Walking this Sunday just for fun. Most def not in the budget lol
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In addition to my daughter and grandkids, we have 3 intergenerational golden retrievers aged 13, 9 and 1 years old.
my mother in law (currently 74) retired in CA and moved to NC to live with my wife and I when we found out we were pregnant with our first (2017). Lots of dynamics came into play immediately. She lived with us for 3 years before buying her own place 7 minutes away. we now have 4 kids (8-Austic, 6, 4, 18 months)
Pros:
Love having someone we know and trust watch our kids (initially. she stopped listening to us and started doing whatever she wants with our kids, and the cultural differences, my wife is mexican, make it really difficult to change that dynamic)
that's about it.
she has no boundaries (shows up unannounced even after we've asked her to call or text when she's coming over). We tried to establish rules and boundaries, and she follows them for about a week then she goes back to whatever she wants. When we say something, she turns it into an attack on her, saying we don't respect her as an adult and pouts and whines for no less than 3 days after, then starts being nasty with my wife. She does whatever she wants with our kids (when i try to remind her that the buck doesn't stop with her when it comes to our kids, she refuses to talk to me like an adult and proceeds to emotionally manipulate my wife, putting her in the middle). She over-parents us by coming over the top whenever we try to parent our kids, often times contradicting what we try to tell our kids. And my wife as the oldest mexican daughter, will not stand up to her mom and correct her, which has perpetuated this behavior.
To be honest, if she would respect our boundaries, a lot of these issues would go away almost immediately. by not respecting our boundaries, there is a serious lack of respect that I feel on a daily basis as not only the patriarch of my family of 6, but also as a parent.
I guess what i'm saying is, i'd HIGHLY suggest respecting every possible boundary, to include their house, their space, their time, and their family. While they are an extension of your family, they are their own entity and should be respected as such. If you disagree with their parenting methods or how they're keeping their house, a suggestion goes much further than a demand. "When you guys were little, you used to do XXX. What worked for us was YYY". or "I remember one time XX happened to my house, It ended up being YY so I did ZZ to fix it" instead of "You need to do this this and that.". it's the little things like that, that go a long way in respecting boundaries.
Pros:
Love having someone we know and trust watch our kids (initially. she stopped listening to us and started doing whatever she wants with our kids, and the cultural differences, my wife is mexican, make it really difficult to change that dynamic)
that's about it.
she has no boundaries (shows up unannounced even after we've asked her to call or text when she's coming over). We tried to establish rules and boundaries, and she follows them for about a week then she goes back to whatever she wants. When we say something, she turns it into an attack on her, saying we don't respect her as an adult and pouts and whines for no less than 3 days after, then starts being nasty with my wife. She does whatever she wants with our kids (when i try to remind her that the buck doesn't stop with her when it comes to our kids, she refuses to talk to me like an adult and proceeds to emotionally manipulate my wife, putting her in the middle). She over-parents us by coming over the top whenever we try to parent our kids, often times contradicting what we try to tell our kids. And my wife as the oldest mexican daughter, will not stand up to her mom and correct her, which has perpetuated this behavior.
To be honest, if she would respect our boundaries, a lot of these issues would go away almost immediately. by not respecting our boundaries, there is a serious lack of respect that I feel on a daily basis as not only the patriarch of my family of 6, but also as a parent.
I guess what i'm saying is, i'd HIGHLY suggest respecting every possible boundary, to include their house, their space, their time, and their family. While they are an extension of your family, they are their own entity and should be respected as such. If you disagree with their parenting methods or how they're keeping their house, a suggestion goes much further than a demand. "When you guys were little, you used to do XXX. What worked for us was YYY". or "I remember one time XX happened to my house, It ended up being YY so I did ZZ to fix it" instead of "You need to do this this and that.". it's the little things like that, that go a long way in respecting boundaries.
It's kinda like being in a National Treasure movie, where you have to decipher puzzles, but then, at the end, rather than some majestic historical treasure, it's just a message that reads "I'm drunk and high."
fantastic stuff Bro. I appreciate you.
My thoughts on the situation - encourage your children to be as self-sufficient and independent as possible.
Living in the same house, with my grown children who have their own families? An absolute no-no, unless it was absolutely desperate times and there was no other alternative.
Encouraging them to live nearby, so I can help out, have family gatherings, help out with the grandkids? Absolutely. If they need help finding a place, or maybe some help with a down payment ... as long as they aren't "mooching" and it makes sense (they found an opportunity that makes too much sense, is in demand, and there's a financial path forward for their independence?), I'm down.
They'll still have access to the vacation houses, where we can gather as a family for short periods of time, as well.
Encourage maintaining healthy family ties, and healthy space to forge their own path.
Living in the same house, with my grown children who have their own families? An absolute no-no, unless it was absolutely desperate times and there was no other alternative.
Encouraging them to live nearby, so I can help out, have family gatherings, help out with the grandkids? Absolutely. If they need help finding a place, or maybe some help with a down payment ... as long as they aren't "mooching" and it makes sense (they found an opportunity that makes too much sense, is in demand, and there's a financial path forward for their independence?), I'm down.
They'll still have access to the vacation houses, where we can gather as a family for short periods of time, as well.
Encourage maintaining healthy family ties, and healthy space to forge their own path.
Where we live the cost to own a home has gone ape sh*t (like most places) so I don't envision anyone moving out in the near future. I'm talking two adult sons, the girlfriend of my son, and two grand babies. They all contribute to the mortgage and pay for their own food. This makes our mortgage miniscule and allows the wife and I to travel most of the year. We just spent 2 months in Mexico. Some might see their kids living with them as a drag but its been net positive for us. Plus, I see my grandkids all the time which is something our parents weren't lucky enough to experience. I wouldn't change a thing.
Don’t disagree with anything you say Moogs. They are financially independent (own their own house) but they want it all and asked for us to be involved. By all I mean 4+kids Irish twin style while continuing their career climbs (both 50+ hours a week)
‘we’ve been empty nesting/retired for 7 years, this will be a fun switch
‘we’ve been empty nesting/retired for 7 years, this will be a fun switch
This is what I wanted the hear. You also can’t discount the 4 income buying power. Can you imagine living in that monster I’m open housing Sunday. The place is NUTS
And the grandkids will be able to watch the grandparents grow old too.
Moms will live long time, me not so muchAnd the grandkids will be able to watch the grandparents grow old too.
Having grandkids come and visit is great. My friends all agree. Having them go home with their parents at the end of the day is even better. Again, my friends agree.
If they both own their own houses, and are financially capable of maintaining that situation, there's zero reason for them to move in with their parents/in-laws. That's regressive.
Fully agree. There has to be something else happening in the background.
I suspect moms is a control enthusiast / mother hen, but that’s just my take.
What do I know?
You’d love Moms. And she can’t wait for a bunch of grand babies. Nothing sinister going on. The household would be super peaceful, even zen likeFully agree. There has to be something else happening in the background.
I suspect moms is a control enthusiast / mother hen, but that’s just my take.
What do I know?
Fully agree. There has to be something else happening in the background.
I suspect moms is a control enthusiast / mother hen, but that’s just my take.
What do I know?
I would assume his wife is obviously controlling, and kinda needs to be, as she's dealing with a man-child (light on the man, heavy on the child) as a husband, but I don't think that's entirely at play here. Whether she has begrudgingly taken on the role of caretaker because laka isn't capable of acting like an adult, or whether she seeks it out and encourages the behavior, because she wants another "child" as her "husband" ... that is indeterminate. Obviously, calling your wife "moms" feeds into this. It's absolutely gross.
He's talked before about his one kid in California demanding he buy them a house in order to move back to the East Coast. And his other kid who stayed on the east coast seems to be struggling - he's talked numerous times about the kid already living with him, and having to borrow his car. Like with everything else, most of what laka writes is "faked up, trying too hard cool guy" nonsense, and the truth is hidden somewhere in the details.
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