OT: Anyone ever had a loved one with Dementia?

[BugsAreQualityProtein]

My Grandmother is going to be 90 in November and she’s was officially diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago. What is strange is that for the last 4 or so years it’s kind of remained stagnant and hasn’t progressed much. She might have slip ups here and there or small episodes of confusion. It’s only been recently where it’s progressed and it’s hard to have a conversation with her that isn’t about the past.

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with a relative or friend?

 

[BetterRed1]

Oh man I can’t believe someone posted this. To be honest, this board is therapy for me. I know exactly what you’re family is going through. My mom has had dementia for about five years with the last 2-3 years most notable. My brother and I have been our folks caregivers as they live with us. My mom will be 86 next month. The dementia episodes can be a beotch and I feel for everyone going through dementia and Alzheimer’s. My mom on Monday had what we thought was a stroke and had to be ambulanced to the hospital. She’s been in the ICU for a week. She’s probably never coming home again. With Nebraskas week of basketball it’s added a little comfort to my tough week. I think more attention needs to be given to Alzheimer’s. Many have to struggle taking care of those with the disease. Unless you have long carre insurance , memory care is expensive as most are private pay. Medicaid and Medicare doesn’t cover it. Godspeed to dealing with this disease. It’s a tough deal. Does your grandmother take any meds like aricept?

 

[RBigredMax1]

The biggest challenge is staying calm and letting the memories of yesteryear be the memories you hold forever. Don’t allow recency bias to dictate your feelings - it’s sad and they don’t know any different. Tough road for everyone but the joys of the past will live on.

 

[Poster FKA schuele]

About seven years ago I had to move my mom to a memory care facility near my home. I knew I could not take care of her myself, but I otherwise decided to go all in and visit her nearly every day. Some days she knew who I was, other days she would be confused about it but she knew I was someone who belonged there.

I just made it a priority to try to make her day a little bit better. If she thought it was 1950 or ‘60 or ‘70, I didn’t really care as long as the conversation made her happy. She lived there for about three and a half years, until her health failed and she passed away. But it was really only the last two or three weeks that she had no idea what was going on and I couldn’t communicate with her.

It was hard, but. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Pales in comparison to all she did for me.

 

[Mr. Dick Herbstreit]

My father passed away Nov 2025 at age 95, and was suffering from full-on dementia the last 3 years or so. As you stated, it was hard to have a conversation that wasn’t about the past. That’s when you start to focus your visits and talks about their lives and what they did in school etc. My dad could go on and on, in detail, about working in his uncles farm as a young man, naval service, and his 45 years as a JCP manager. We spent many hours letting him talk about the past, asking him questions. He could remember things 50-70 years ago, clear as a bell, but didn’t know if he had had lunch yet that day. I will always be thankful for those times and remembrances. Dad was like his old self talking about past things he did, and he was very happy doing it. My suggestion, encourage grandma to talk about her past every chance you get. She won’t get frustrated trying to understand current times that she has no recollection of. Your times with her will be much much more meaningful to her, and to you!!
God bless grandma and your family.

 

[BetterRed1]

Yeah you can’t get mad when they have episodes. It’s not them, it’s the disease. They will do things that will try your patience. You have to always remember, ITS THE DISEASE. And try to go to where they are. And don’t get mad. Worse thing you can do.

 

[Redscarlet]

Yes, my father had it a little dementia but at his age of 97 it was understandable.

The worst kind is when they don’t remember you or forget names of family members.

 

[BugsAreQualityProtein]

Yeah you can’t get mad when they have episodes. It’s not them, it’s the disease. They will do things that will try your patience. You have to always remember, ITS THE DISEASE. And try to go to where they are. And don’t get mad. Worse thing you can do.

I think my biggest pet peeve is when my other family members get mad at her. For example, this week my Grandmother has several appointments and my mother and I decided to divide up the appointments between the two of us. She got so frustrated with my Grandmother because she couldn’t remember the days and times of the appointments. She got mad even further because she had to call each clinic and confirm the times.

Anyway, I just find irritating that my mother and her siblings treat her this way. It’s like they resent her for having the condition and expect her to function the same cognitively.

 

[BetterRed1]

They’re not the same, my friend. They need to be reminded of that. They won’t recall things. My mom would ask what day it was 100x a day. You have to understand the disease.

 

[Rcnut223]

I'm sorry your Grandmother has this aweful disease . enjoy what time you have with her and remember her for
what she was not what she will become as the illness progresses..

My mother had Dimentia,. It t took a long time to get an offical Diagnosis at that time. This was back in 2004 and she could fool the Doctors (those that had little interest ingiving a Diagnosis). Finally it became obviuos that things were not right with her. Memory loss can be hidden for a time.

For me the end was near when she could write a check, I knew she was in trouble. Allof uswatched as things we expected from MOM disappeared. Foe example , notes in Christmas cards , once long and detailed became short and hard to read. Eventully all this came to an end .

Anyways , she enjoyed music, even after her ability to carry on conversations she could remember music from her past. She recalled memorys from here past when short term failed.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

It is brutal...not sure why anyone would get "mad" at them though.

My grandma had it and it sucked but it is not what I remember about her. I just remember that she was awesome.

 

[HuskerInCarolina]

My great grandmother passed away in 2020, at the age of 95 or so. She had dementia her last 4 or 5 years and it was challenging. She had her good days and bad days.

My grandfather (her son) has been dealing with dementia the last couple years. He had a stroke 5 years ago. He’s in his late 70s but doc believes the stroke really accelerated the dementia. His good days are good, but his bad days are tough. He’s a mean SOB when his dementia is on.

It’s a brutal disease alongside Alzheimer’s. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’ve always told everyone to be a sponge in everything you do, soak it all in, because at the end of it all the only thing you got left is memories. Till dementia and Alzheimer’s take those away.

 

[Husker Todd_rivals48744]

It is brutal...not sure why anyone would get "mad" at them though.

My grandma had it and it sucked but it is not what I remember about her. I just remember that she was awesome.

I’m shocked you thought your grandma was awesome, considering the fact you hate women. Never missing an opportunity to let everyone know that women are responsible for every failed marriage and every ill that has befallen Man.

 

[SuperBigFan69]

I’m shocked you thought your grandma was awesome, considering the fact you hate women. Never missing an opportunity to let everyone know that women are responsible for every failed marriage and every ill that has befallen Man.

She was not married.

I love women, trust me (wink), I am just not foolish enough to think that you need to get married and enter into a legally binding document where you can then lose half your stuff and your kids...

I blame the men, for falling for it. Not the women for being smart about it.

 

[Scoop123]

My mom has it right now. It is brutal

 

[BleedRed89]

My grandfather and grandmother. Take advantage of the moments of lucidity.

 

[Poster FKA schuele]

I think my biggest pet peeve is when my other family members get mad at her.

Anyway, I just find irritating that my mother and her siblings treat her this way. It’s like they resent her for having the condition and expect her to function the same cognitively.

My advice is to try to lead by example, and take great pleasure in every moment you have with your grandmother. Maybe this will resnonate with some of your family members and they will see the error of their ways. And if they don't, it's their loss.

Trying to explain it to them probably won't do any good. So just do the right thing, and know that when your grandmother is gone, you will have no regrets.

 

[HuskerO58]

My mother-in-law is in her mid-70s and has it pretty bad now. Sadly, she doesn't remember her daughter (my wife). I think she recognizes my wife or knows that she should probably know her, but she really has no idea.

The saddest thing my wife told me is when they were both talking, my MIL ask my wife, "Do you know where my parents are?" They been deceased for 8 and 20 years now. Heart breaking.

 

[V1nufanx4]

My mother-in-law is in her mid-70s and has it pretty bad now. Sadly, she doesn't remember her daughter (my wife). I think she recognizes my wife or knows that she should probably know her, but she really has no idea.

The saddest thing my wife told me is when they were both talking, my MIL ask my wife, "Do you know where my parents are?" They been deceased for 8 and 20 years now. Heart breaking.

My MIL is about 2 years in. Last 6 months really starting to see some changes, IMO. Not remembering if she’s taken her meds, if she’s eaten anything prior to dinner, and has started to send Bday cards twice. She’s 86, FIL is 93 and they still live in their home and both still drive( scary sh@t). She has 4 children all at different levels of acceptance. FIL still has the first dollar he’s ever earned, so getting him to pony up to hire help to make their lives easier has only recently begun. Wish he’d relent and find a care facility they’d both benefit from but that has been a delicate conversation.

 

[BadgerPete]

My mother was diagnosed with Lewey body dementia. Doc said she had 2 years and he was spot on. Had to get live in care for her. It was the best thing in the world, although expensive.

We found private nurses and they were the best.

We are all going to die some day. As Neil Young wrote, "It's better to burn out, than to fade away."

Live everyday like it is your last.

 

[Baxter48]

My dad had it in his early 80’s I’m guessing he probably had issues for 5 years before we realized something was wrong, mom covered for him. His dr put him on a medication to slow it down but I believe it was too late. he declining slowly the the disease progressed and his last six months he didn’t know anyone and the last time I saw him before he passed when he spoke it was just gibberish it was a blessing that he passed away he’s in a better place now

 

[BugsAreQualityProtein]

My dad had it in his early 80’s I’m guessing he probably had issues for 5 years before we realized something was wrong, mom covered for him. His dr put him on a medication to slow it down but I believe it was too late. he declining slowly the the disease progressed and his last six months he didn’t know anyone and the last time I saw him before he passed when he spoke it was just gibberish it was a blessing that he passed away he’s in a better place now

That’s my biggest fear with my Grandmother going out that way. She’s almost 90 and I pray sometimes she just passes away peacefully in her sleep one of these days.

 

[Baxter48]

That’s my biggest fear with my Grandmother going out that way. She’s almost 90 and I pray sometimes she just passes away peacefully in her sleep one of these days.

I agree, it comes to a point where your pray they pass soon and peacefull. One thing I’m thankful is dad never was mean or aggressive and violent, I had a distant relative that became combative and he had to be moved to a special facility and I don’t think his family was even allowed to visit

 

[Killersker47]

Grandma had Alzheimer’s. Passed away from basically forgetting how to eat properly. Died from aspiration pneumonia. Sucked watching her towards the end with that ‘blank stare’ on her face, and forgetting who her children were.

 

[dinglefritz]

My Grandmother is going to be 90 in November and she’s was officially diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago. What is strange is that for the last 4 or so years it’s kind of remained stagnant and hasn’t progressed much. She might have slip ups here and there or small episodes of confusion. It’s only been recently where it’s progressed and it’s hard to have a conversation with her that isn’t about the past.

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with a relative or friend?

The question I would have is is it Alzheimer’s or age related dementia. They’re not exactly the same. Alzheimer’s patients can cover up their deficits for a long time until they can’t.

 

[dinglefritz]

About seven years ago I had to move my mom to a memory care facility near my home. I knew I could not take care of her myself, but I otherwise decided to go all in and visit her nearly every day. Some days she knew who I was, other days she would be confused about it but she knew I was someone who belonged there.

I just made it a priority to try to make her day a little bit better. If she thought it was 1950 or ‘60 or ‘70, I didn’t really care as long as the conversation made her happy. She lived there for about three and a half years, until her health failed and she passed away. But it was really only the last two or three weeks that she had no idea what was going on and I couldn’t communicate with her.

It was hard, but. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Pales in comparison to all she did for me.

It’s a terrible disease. Some of my friends have had the situation where their mom who had been the sweetest old lady turned in to a physically aggressive patient who attack other residents. Knock on wood, I haven’t had to deal with it directly but I have multiple friends who have had spouses and parents suffer early onset dementia. We’re talking some as early as their 50s. You’re a good man.

 

[dinglefritz]

My dad had it in his early 80’s I’m guessing he probably had issues for 5 years before we realized something was wrong, mom covered for him. His dr put him on a medication to slow it down but I believe it was too late. he declining slowly the the disease progressed and his last six months he didn’t know anyone and the last time I saw him before he passed when he spoke it was just gibberish it was a blessing that he passed away he’s in a better place now

There’s worse things than dying. My wife cared for thousands of terminally ill patients over her 40 year medical career. That’s one of her standbys.

 

[BugsAreQualityProtein]

The question I would have is is it Alzheimer’s or age related dementia. They’re not exactly the same. Alzheimer’s patients can cover up their deficits for a long time until they can’t.

Her general practitioner only gave her a rudimentary test. However, she couldn’t state the date or time in the test and by then she was already struggling to write checks.

Her doctor prescribed a medication to help but she refused to take it, even denying she had dementia.

 

[dinglefritz]

Her general practitioner only gave her a rudimentary test. However, she couldn’t state the date or time in the test and by then she was already struggling to write checks.

Her doctor prescribed a medication to help but she refused to take it, even denying she had dementia.

Date? I have no clue. Not in an office setting anymore. I can guess the time fairly accurately by the position of the sun in the sky. When a day is just like the day before, just about everybody forgets the date. Is it Monday? I forget. Oh crap. It’s Tuesday.

 

[Wasker73]

My Grandmother is going to be 90 in November and she’s was officially diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago. What is strange is that for the last 4 or so years it’s kind of remained stagnant and hasn’t progressed much. She might have slip ups here and there or small episodes of confusion. It’s only been recently where it’s progressed and it’s hard to have a conversation with her that isn’t about the past.

Just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with a relative or friend?

One of my best friends from high school is already getting dementia. Just turned 71. He was the guy who was way ahead of the rest of us when it came to girls. He has been married for forever and has three grown daughters. Knows more about cars and motors than anyone I know. He hast had very few vices as an adult. Did not smoke anything and it was rare for him to have even one beer when we all got together over the years. He always had a good job, and he never seemed to be stressed over it. He always had projects. Not the kind of guy to lay on the couch and watch TV. He always had a steady deliberate pace. Sad to see this happen to one of the good guys. He is still in the moment when you are with him, and I think he probably could still fix anything mechanical. Per his wife he just wouldn't remember being with you or fixing your car 30 minutes afterwards.

 

[CheeseRunza]

There’s worse things than dying. My wife cared for thousands of terminally ill patients over her 40 year medical career. That’s one of her standbys.

I think that brings up another point of discussion. I’m sure your wife has her own thoughts on advanced directives or whatever you want to call them, but having been involved in those types of decisions for my own parents when they passed away, I think things would go smoother if there are at least discussions made ahead of time.

I have a daughter that is a chief EM resident at a major hospital in an urban area in a large city. She sometimes has to rotate at suburban hospitals. Whether it is in the ED or Critical Care, she says most of these hospitals are full of elderly patients at the end of their lives. She gets frustrated when families (usually the younger members) refuse to let go, putting undue stress on everyone and everything, many times arguing with the doctors, threating lawsuits and not fully understanding the totality of the situation.

As you said, sometimes death is not the worst outcome.

 

[BetterRed1]

I think that brings up another point of discussion. I’m sure your wife has her own thoughts on advanced directives or whatever you want to call them, but having been involved in those types of decisions for my own parents when they passed away, I think things would go smoother if there are at least discussions made ahead of time.

I have a daughter that is a chief EM resident at a major hospital in an urban area in a large city. She sometimes has to rotate at suburban hospitals. Whether it is in the ED or Critical Care, she says most of these hospitals are full of elderly patients at the end of their lives. She gets frustrated when families (usually the younger members) refuse to let go, putting undue stress on everyone and everything, many times arguing with the doctors, threating lawsuits and not fully understanding the totality of the situation.

As you said, sometimes death is not the worst outcome.

I think you make a good point. I’m having to make these same decisions now with my mom. My dad and brother are also there. But there comes a time where letting your loved one not proceed in misery is the best option. There’s no quality of life with that.

 

[CheeseRunza]

I think you make a good point. I’m having to make these same decisions now with my mom. My dad and brother are also there. But there comes a time where letting your loved one not proceed in misery is the best option. There’s no quality of life with that.

Really sorry to hear that. Prayers to you and your family.

 

[TruHusker]

One of my best friends and shooting buddy has it. My wife’s sister as well.