OT: any divorced dads out there?
- Thread starter Msubulldogfan1
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How long have y'all been married?
There are a whole lot of things going on in the first part of a marriage that no one expects. I never realised how selfish I was until I got married, same for my wife. If y'all are still going through that phase and throw in a pregnancy on top of that, hang on. Your wife has been through one nasty emotional and physical rollercoaster for the last year, and probably may still be for a little while. Postpartum depression can be nasty for a lot of women. Remember they are all crazy, but pregnancy amplifies it.
I recommend trying to save your marriage. I don't know what it will take but I recommend swallowing your pride, and sincerely apologizing, even if you've done nothing wrong. Try going out of your way to show her she and the marriage are important. In reference to your other posts, scoop the poop, take out the trash, do the laundry, and then the dishes as well. After that ask what else can be done. And for there to be any chance of it working, comments about you leaving have to stop. Those are going to do nothing but start fights. I'd recommend apologizing for that first.
There are a whole lot of things going on in the first part of a marriage that no one expects. I never realised how selfish I was until I got married, same for my wife. If y'all are still going through that phase and throw in a pregnancy on top of that, hang on. Your wife has been through one nasty emotional and physical rollercoaster for the last year, and probably may still be for a little while. Postpartum depression can be nasty for a lot of women. Remember they are all crazy, but pregnancy amplifies it.
I recommend trying to save your marriage. I don't know what it will take but I recommend swallowing your pride, and sincerely apologizing, even if you've done nothing wrong. Try going out of your way to show her she and the marriage are important. In reference to your other posts, scoop the poop, take out the trash, do the laundry, and then the dishes as well. After that ask what else can be done. And for there to be any chance of it working, comments about you leaving have to stop. Those are going to do nothing but start fights. I'd recommend apologizing for that first.
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I would use the C34 saga to illustrate my point, but if you have nothing to hide, then don't worry about it.
This would be the best time to say something alone the lines of "I'll stay if you agree to go to counseling with me"; but only if you're really serious about leaving. Just a suggestion.
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I do need to put more effort into it. It's like the worse it gets, the less I want to put in it. Thx all for participation.
Before you end this, go find a pastor and talk this out with him. I understand your wife won't go. Go by yourself - alone. Do it quickly.
Ramble
If she's that miserable this soon in the marriage, she probably was already there before you were married. Ive been divorced over 15 years, and you do live. Ive observed singles, married and single parents and this is true. MOST females totally believe the cinderalla
/Prince Charming bologna. Many don't own up to it. Most don't admit it, but they do. That's not your fault, or your responsibility. If she's bitching at all times, she's trying to make you shoulder the blame for HER issues. Hoping she gets you to believe it. So she won't have to deal with her issues. It's classic behavior.
1)Child support is not that much with one kid. I forget the percentage, but it's wayyyyyy better than having to pay for three.
2)If she tries the whole "your dad is ......" with your kid, it will totally turn on her. Watch and see.
3)Your kid can live where they want if they're old enough to say so. Fact
4)There is no alimony in MS.
5) I have three daughters. All in college. One is about to graduate from MSU. They've all lived with me for over 6 years. Guess who's getting paid child support now?
Divorce sucks nuts at first, but it can change you for the better. You just have to endure the early years, and keep doing the right thing. It all come back around. One way or another.
If she's that miserable this soon in the marriage, she probably was already there before you were married. Ive been divorced over 15 years, and you do live. Ive observed singles, married and single parents and this is true. MOST females totally believe the cinderalla
/Prince Charming bologna. Many don't own up to it. Most don't admit it, but they do. That's not your fault, or your responsibility. If she's bitching at all times, she's trying to make you shoulder the blame for HER issues. Hoping she gets you to believe it. So she won't have to deal with her issues. It's classic behavior.
1)Child support is not that much with one kid. I forget the percentage, but it's wayyyyyy better than having to pay for three.
2)If she tries the whole "your dad is ......" with your kid, it will totally turn on her. Watch and see.
3)Your kid can live where they want if they're old enough to say so. Fact
4)There is no alimony in MS.
5) I have three daughters. All in college. One is about to graduate from MSU. They've all lived with me for over 6 years. Guess who's getting paid child support now?
Divorce sucks nuts at first, but it can change you for the better. You just have to endure the early years, and keep doing the right thing. It all come back around. One way or another.
Unfortunately, I have some experience with this. First, even if she won't go to counseling, you need to get some counseling yourself. If you're in the Jackson area, First Baptist Church used to have an outstanding counseling dept. years ago. Look into that. If not, get some recommendations in your area. Try to make it work if you can. But if you're both miserable, it's not going to be any good for the kid to grow up in a household where both parents can't stand to live together.
I would offer to go to couples counseling and if she refused, go by yourself. Focus on being the best husband possible, and I don't think that means pandering. I have seen this multiple times in the last year among my friends, and in ALL 3 CASES, the wife was either neglected or abused as a child. There is likely a deep wound which she is guarding carefully. The indicators of being impossible to please and unwilling to engage in sex are also similar components.
One in three of these relationships I was helping with was restored. I personally believe that if there is a shot at redeeming the marriage and maintaining a functional loving home for the child, however slim the chance may seem, it is worth fighting for. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. And whatever the outcome, you want to be certain you have done your best and kept yourself clean.
One in three of these relationships I was helping with was restored. I personally believe that if there is a shot at redeeming the marriage and maintaining a functional loving home for the child, however slim the chance may seem, it is worth fighting for. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it. And whatever the outcome, you want to be certain you have done your best and kept yourself clean.
Honest question what is more important to you to be right or to be reconciled? Your answer to that question will tell you how dedicated you are to the marriage.
This is the best advice. Go to counseling by yourself if she won't go. You can get a lot of legitimate advice on things that you might not be aware of, or advice on how to make the situation better from someone that knows what they are talking about. Before you do anything else, just do this once for your daughter. The worst thing that happens is that you are out and hour and a few bucks, but the best thing might save your marriage and your relationship with your child.
It's tough.Make SURE you get a pitbull lawyer and go for the GD jugular.With out a doubt go for 50/50 custody. The bitching is a real thing. I feel your pain. I'm thinking about leaving mine now before we hit 10 years and she gets half of my retirement. This is my second wife. My first divorce was horrible as far as guilt from the kid standpoint. But 20 years later my daughter and I are tight. My point is. If you stay involved the parent child relationship will survive. But you will seriously have to spend quality time when it's your week/weekend. Also get used to the fact that another dude will be helping raise your kid. That's all I got. Good luck brother.
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Hell just now, she ask me to help with getting the babies hand print on a little book thing for him. I try to help and gets ******* pissed off im trying to help too much. Can't make this **** up. ******* miserable.
/rant
/rant
We're do you live? I just read yesterday about MS being a terrible state for divorce. I got divorced (in Texas) a few years ago and have since remarried. I have a son from my previous marriage and pay child support. Honest, the courts are set up to punish fathers. Now, I do have joint custody. I end up having him over 50% of the year. If you do go through with divorce and your attorney tells you that you can only have standard custody, fire them and get one that is willing to fight for joint custody.
Im working on getting rid of child support currently. If your wife cares what is best for your child then she wouldn't want to keep you from them. Honestly, do not listen to anyone telling you to stay together for your kid. That's a ******** antiquated thought process. Kids are not dumb. You have to ask yourself if you want your child to grow up in a house knowing his parents hate each other and thinking that is actually normal or if you want him to see you in a loving relationship. Then when your kid goes to college you get divorced and they realize that only because they existed you stayed together and were unhappy. If you are unhappy you will never be able to give your child the attention he needs.
You as as a father are not automatically relegated to some horses **** standard custody. Studies prove that it does more harm to a child to not spend as much time with both parents than it does to only see that parent once a week for 2 hours and every other weekend.
Lastly, if I had listened to my father when I was going through my divorce I would not have been with my current wife, who is twice the mother and twice the partner than my ex was. You have to do what you think is best and fight for your rights. There are attornies out there that specialize in fathers rights. Find one of those. Let me know if you'd like to discuss privately.
Im working on getting rid of child support currently. If your wife cares what is best for your child then she wouldn't want to keep you from them. Honestly, do not listen to anyone telling you to stay together for your kid. That's a ******** antiquated thought process. Kids are not dumb. You have to ask yourself if you want your child to grow up in a house knowing his parents hate each other and thinking that is actually normal or if you want him to see you in a loving relationship. Then when your kid goes to college you get divorced and they realize that only because they existed you stayed together and were unhappy. If you are unhappy you will never be able to give your child the attention he needs.
You as as a father are not automatically relegated to some horses **** standard custody. Studies prove that it does more harm to a child to not spend as much time with both parents than it does to only see that parent once a week for 2 hours and every other weekend.
Lastly, if I had listened to my father when I was going through my divorce I would not have been with my current wife, who is twice the mother and twice the partner than my ex was. You have to do what you think is best and fight for your rights. There are attornies out there that specialize in fathers rights. Find one of those. Let me know if you'd like to discuss privately.
I'll add one more quick though about child support. I was recently told by a fathers rights attorney here in Texas that bc my ex wife made significantly more money than me when we got divorced I should have never paid child support to begin its. I take care of my child don't get me wrong but I'd rather be he one to determine how my money is spent rather than a completely irresponsible person. So, if she makes a lot more than you keep that in mid and fight to keep your money. But just as an expectation support is generally 20% of your income for the first child (after state and fed tax is taken out). That is all for now
Longtime lurker---decided to finally post regarding this thread:
I went through a brutal divorce when my kids were 2 and 4. If you think you are enemies now, a divorce will make it way worse. Sure you won't have to live together but you 2 are now partners for the next 20 years no matter what and you better learn to get along.
My advice is to be as nice as you can, the fact you are using the D word now means she may already be talking to an attorney or friends who know the law. Don't give her any ammo to pin you in a corner. You married her for a reason, remember it and try to love her again. Do everything you can to make this deal work, pretend like divorce is not an option. Suck up the pride and let that child's eyes give you the strength to do what needs to be done. When you decided to become a father you put yourself in the passenger seat of life. That little boy is your priority now, give him a chance to be truly loved.
If you do this and it still doesn't work out, you can look him in his eye when he grown and honestly tell him that tried to keep it together. Don't be a quitter on your family. No more excuses.
Please please please go see a pastor on your own and just lay it out. Prayer is what you need and it really works. I'm praying for you and your family now. Get some strength and own the situation as the example you would want that boy to grow up admiring!!!
I went through a brutal divorce when my kids were 2 and 4. If you think you are enemies now, a divorce will make it way worse. Sure you won't have to live together but you 2 are now partners for the next 20 years no matter what and you better learn to get along.
My advice is to be as nice as you can, the fact you are using the D word now means she may already be talking to an attorney or friends who know the law. Don't give her any ammo to pin you in a corner. You married her for a reason, remember it and try to love her again. Do everything you can to make this deal work, pretend like divorce is not an option. Suck up the pride and let that child's eyes give you the strength to do what needs to be done. When you decided to become a father you put yourself in the passenger seat of life. That little boy is your priority now, give him a chance to be truly loved.
If you do this and it still doesn't work out, you can look him in his eye when he grown and honestly tell him that tried to keep it together. Don't be a quitter on your family. No more excuses.
Please please please go see a pastor on your own and just lay it out. Prayer is what you need and it really works. I'm praying for you and your family now. Get some strength and own the situation as the example you would want that boy to grow up admiring!!!
its not about right or wrong. It's about being treated properly. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
She told me tonight she's pawning her wedding ring to pay for a lawyer. It's done. Can't handle those threats anymore. I'll be calling around some for some lawyers tomorrow...how much does a decent one cost typically?
if anyone tells you that you aren't a priority get away from them. you should know better than that man. If you are unhappy you can't do anything but bring everyone else down. I'm sick of people telling other people "go talk to your church" and "don't quit on your family". Are you living this mans life? Perhaps he's not religious. Perhaps she hates being with this person. Do you think you quit on your family by getting a divorce? If so, you need to reassess your priorities. My child is my whole world but I'll be damned if I would spend one night in a house with his mother anymore. Don't tell this guy that he is quitting on his family. Don't guilt someone into staying in a bad relationship.
Sounds like a woman to me & sounds like you're nitpicking. Sounds like both of you guys have some maturing to do. The advice to go to counseling yourself is good advice. You have to put forth the effort, whether she does or not. Just maybe when she sees you putting forth the effort, she'll join you.
I have no experience with divorce, but I do know what it takes to have a good marriage & it ain't coming to a message board & talking bad about your wife. Been married for 21 years. Quit sitting around drinking beer & watching t.v. if this is what you do & be more productive. Stop complaining that you have to do stuff around the house. You can't fix her & she can't fix you.
And ask yourself this question & answer it honestly. Are you the best husband, without a doubt, that you can be? If the answer is no than fix it. If the answer is yes, you're lying & you dont want to be better
Depends on how much you are fighting over. We didn't disagree on custody or splitting assets we disagreed in dumb **** that wasn't even legally enforceable. I spend between $15,000 - $20,000. If you aren't going to have to fight for custody and support type things it can be $$$$
I think seeing a therapist for yourself is a good option as well. There are always things we can do as individuals to grow. You go to her gym to work out your body there is no shame in going to a therapist to work out your mind. I do it and it's worth it. You have to be able to self reflect. Be self aware and be the best you can be for yourself and your child. You have to be a priority just as much as your child.
She's testing you. Don't play the game, decide to be a husband while you still can and go from there. Go have a consultation with an attorney and a counselor/pastor. Both should be free and will help you see exactly what your options are now. Again, don't give her any new reasons to make a judge disapprove of you.
I hate what you're going through. As many have said, you need to work it out if at all possible. If she won't go to counseling then talk to one of her close friends (that's not crazy herself) and see if they can talk her into going to counseling with you. IF not a friend then maybe a family member - anyone that she respects. IF the marriage does end in divorce, I suggest one thing that you both do for your child going forward that will have a huge impact on him for the rest of his life. You both need to have a cordial relationship with each other. Put the hard feelings aside when you're with your son and his mom - anything negative said about the other will only cause undo stress on your son. I speak from experience. My parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 3. Every school function, every baseball game, every time my dad would picked us up or drop us off - I was as nervous as I could be because I knew my parents didn't really like each other and I didn't feel comfortable when they were around each other....Not that anything ever happened but just the small possibility that an argument might have broken out when they were around each other put so much stress on my brother and I that it had to have affected us in a negative way psychologically. This goes for your parents and your in-laws.....everyone needs to get along with everyone for your sons sake. Even though you don't live together, your son needs to feel like he still has one family when you're all together. He shouldn't feel, after a baseball game, like he's got to entertain two families and worry about what one parent or set of grandparents are thinking while he's over visiting with the other parent and grandparents. Cause what he's going to be thinking is, I hope my mom, mimi and pawpaw aren't mad at me for talking with my dad, grandma and grandpaw and vise versa. He's also thinking, Damn, I wish we could all get along and be one family while we're together for this little while.
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Have you gone through a divorce with child support? In Texas standard child support is 20% of your income up to something like $15,000 per year.
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